When you just realized that you lost your compass
I'm most probably feeling rather down today.
My feelings are complicated and no one word could explain it.
And I can't be sure of the etiology.
I have been going to bed with a bad headache or dizziness.
I have been waking up with tired eyes.
I have been feeling too sleepy everyday after lunch.
I have been dozing off in the class so much that I can't remember what exactly I have learnt.
I have been too unaware of what I am doing.
All in all, I am feeling tired most of the time.
The 3rd week of surgery posting has just called for an end but I can't recall what I have done. This week time has passed too fast. And I don't like it when I am not aware of the time.
I sat in the toilet for 10 minutes. Thunders were roaring and I could hear squeaking sounds of strong winds blowing. I closed my eyes for some time and I could only recall shattered pieces of memories for the past one week. What have I been doing?
All that I could remember was that I started the week feeling fatigue. I wasn't too willing to go to the wards. I went to the OT for 2 times. I talked to 3 patients. I did PE on 1 patient, which wasn't even a complete one. I had 2 CPD and 2 CSSC. I had 1 SOPD in HPD on Monday. I went for the first CME this morning and had the first IMS in the afternoon. I wasn't happy with my performance at all. Sometimes I managed to survive the entire class but I wasn't really listening. Other times I have been dozing off. I jotted down notes that are totally incomprehensible. That usually only happens when I write while dozing off.
I sat at my table, thinking of what I should do to overcome these problems. I can't really think of a solid solution. But I cleared my doubts now that I should fully focus on my work. I should stay away from other emotional times. But at the same time, I am afraid that I might miss out a lot in life if I cut myself off all emotions other that that to my work. I probably should be a more capable person.
I think this recent I have been too easily-affected emotionally. Little things can cheer me up but at the end of the day I might end up sad because of a little thing. I weren't used to be such an individual. I was always a strong girl who was all the time cheerful and optimistic and I would be ready to triumph over all odds in life. Since when have I become such a weak wreck?
I feel like I am a wreck now in fact.
I went to the OT to see a total gastrectomy today. Mr.V and Mr.M were the surgeons. I was delighted because I always like to learn from surgeons especially Mr.V. But my mind and my legs gave way even before the operation was half way done. I felt too cold in the OT and felt as if I would faint at any time. Since when have I become such a weak person? All that I could remember of my past was that I used to be the only person who can stand coldness when all my other friends were freezing. Maybe I am no longer that strong girl?
But then, it's only been 3 weeks. I have 2 more years and more to go before I become a doctor. I have zero idea of how I am going to survive. All that I know is that I can't afford to feel tired every day and end up finding myself sleeping on the bed the next morning, still feeling tired, but without having my jobs done.
I should stop being so easily affected emotionally. I should be as cheerful as I used to. I should not forget my ultimate goal. But then now, I've become more uncertain of my ultimate goals. Yes it's true I want to be a good doctor. But I want to be a good mother and a good wife too. I want to have my family because I don't want to end up alone when I die. I will if I don't have a family because now most of the time even though I have friends, I face personal problems all by myself. I'm so not used to sharing tears with my friends. I'm still looking for a shoulder to lean on. A person that I can trust fully. A person that I can hug when I feel helpless. I need a person to walk with in the rest of my life. I just can't afford to imagine walking in my life all by myself. That's why I have become so uncertain of my goals in life. Can I be a good doctor and also a good mother/wife? So if I want to be both, is there any effort that I can put in so that there is a higher chance to success?
I used to be so certain of the things I do in life. Because back then I totally cut off all my emotions and I only focused on my work. But I think this won't work in the coming 10 years.
One dearly patient told me that day, that life is about seeking for happiness. And this happens when you establish connections with people. The more you get connected, the happier you become because you can make more people happy which would in turn make your life happy. I totally agree with this and then I just realized that when I was younger, maybe 4 or 5 years back, my goal in life was to look for happiness and relief of suffering. Have I forgotten about this?
There are more things to ponder upon in life, other than ways of becoming a competent doctor. I am so far away from being a good doctor now but I still believe that life is beyond that.
So now I'll give myself 2 full days to buck up. I shall live through the 4th week and be a much better person. I will be strong. Be happy. And live a smart life.
My feelings are complicated and no one word could explain it.
And I can't be sure of the etiology.
I have been going to bed with a bad headache or dizziness.
I have been waking up with tired eyes.
I have been feeling too sleepy everyday after lunch.
I have been dozing off in the class so much that I can't remember what exactly I have learnt.
I have been too unaware of what I am doing.
All in all, I am feeling tired most of the time.
The 3rd week of surgery posting has just called for an end but I can't recall what I have done. This week time has passed too fast. And I don't like it when I am not aware of the time.
I sat in the toilet for 10 minutes. Thunders were roaring and I could hear squeaking sounds of strong winds blowing. I closed my eyes for some time and I could only recall shattered pieces of memories for the past one week. What have I been doing?
All that I could remember was that I started the week feeling fatigue. I wasn't too willing to go to the wards. I went to the OT for 2 times. I talked to 3 patients. I did PE on 1 patient, which wasn't even a complete one. I had 2 CPD and 2 CSSC. I had 1 SOPD in HPD on Monday. I went for the first CME this morning and had the first IMS in the afternoon. I wasn't happy with my performance at all. Sometimes I managed to survive the entire class but I wasn't really listening. Other times I have been dozing off. I jotted down notes that are totally incomprehensible. That usually only happens when I write while dozing off.
I sat at my table, thinking of what I should do to overcome these problems. I can't really think of a solid solution. But I cleared my doubts now that I should fully focus on my work. I should stay away from other emotional times. But at the same time, I am afraid that I might miss out a lot in life if I cut myself off all emotions other that that to my work. I probably should be a more capable person.
I think this recent I have been too easily-affected emotionally. Little things can cheer me up but at the end of the day I might end up sad because of a little thing. I weren't used to be such an individual. I was always a strong girl who was all the time cheerful and optimistic and I would be ready to triumph over all odds in life. Since when have I become such a weak wreck?
I feel like I am a wreck now in fact.
I went to the OT to see a total gastrectomy today. Mr.V and Mr.M were the surgeons. I was delighted because I always like to learn from surgeons especially Mr.V. But my mind and my legs gave way even before the operation was half way done. I felt too cold in the OT and felt as if I would faint at any time. Since when have I become such a weak person? All that I could remember of my past was that I used to be the only person who can stand coldness when all my other friends were freezing. Maybe I am no longer that strong girl?
But then, it's only been 3 weeks. I have 2 more years and more to go before I become a doctor. I have zero idea of how I am going to survive. All that I know is that I can't afford to feel tired every day and end up finding myself sleeping on the bed the next morning, still feeling tired, but without having my jobs done.
I should stop being so easily affected emotionally. I should be as cheerful as I used to. I should not forget my ultimate goal. But then now, I've become more uncertain of my ultimate goals. Yes it's true I want to be a good doctor. But I want to be a good mother and a good wife too. I want to have my family because I don't want to end up alone when I die. I will if I don't have a family because now most of the time even though I have friends, I face personal problems all by myself. I'm so not used to sharing tears with my friends. I'm still looking for a shoulder to lean on. A person that I can trust fully. A person that I can hug when I feel helpless. I need a person to walk with in the rest of my life. I just can't afford to imagine walking in my life all by myself. That's why I have become so uncertain of my goals in life. Can I be a good doctor and also a good mother/wife? So if I want to be both, is there any effort that I can put in so that there is a higher chance to success?
I used to be so certain of the things I do in life. Because back then I totally cut off all my emotions and I only focused on my work. But I think this won't work in the coming 10 years.
One dearly patient told me that day, that life is about seeking for happiness. And this happens when you establish connections with people. The more you get connected, the happier you become because you can make more people happy which would in turn make your life happy. I totally agree with this and then I just realized that when I was younger, maybe 4 or 5 years back, my goal in life was to look for happiness and relief of suffering. Have I forgotten about this?
There are more things to ponder upon in life, other than ways of becoming a competent doctor. I am so far away from being a good doctor now but I still believe that life is beyond that.
So now I'll give myself 2 full days to buck up. I shall live through the 4th week and be a much better person. I will be strong. Be happy. And live a smart life.
Comments
Post a Comment