The Pacinian corpuscle

这个3天有很多错综复杂的情绪。虽说是一场旅行，可是我脑袋好像一直在工作：观察，分析，可是同时我也是身在其中。头脑跟心一起忙碌一起奔波。又要管住自己那把喜欢什么都对我老公讲的嘴巴。 可喜的是，大家看起来都没有不开心。（本来我想说：大家看起来都蛮开心的。可是，回想片刻是吗大家开心吗？在我长大的环境里，“有说有笑”才是开心的表现。可是没有这个表现，是开心吗？）老公是这次旅游的发起人，可是他家两老怎么叫也叫不动，唯有他两位哥哥到了，才肯动身。（可知老公作为家里老三的地位，呵呵。）这一天终于到了，我们如火如荼出发，我跟发起人一辆车，其他3男1女另一辆车。 人人都说，嫁人不是只嫁给自己的另一半，更是嫁给他的一家。2个月前我嫁过去了，可是我好像没有觉得什么“嫁给他一家”。（是值得庆幸的事情？这什么心态啊天啊。）虽说过门那一天喝了所谓的改口茶，可是要称人家的长辈为“爸”，“妈”，真的难比登天。一时之间我做不到。 连这个也做不到，这一点看来，我不是称职的媳妇。（谁要做称职的媳妇啊？） 这3天里面，我有了新的体现。 一个女人必须有自主权，就要财务独立，还要有能独立生活的能力，不然极大可能一辈子做卑微的女人。等到古稀之年了，才要得到儿子的怜悯，还要看自家男人的脸色。最无法接受的，是为家庭奉献了一生，膝盖坏了，路走不快走不远，可是到了目的地，家里的男人“嘘”的一声便跑到很前面看不见的地方去了，剩下一个老女人在后面喊着，“你等我呀”。我绝对不要这样子生活。 这3天情绪那么多，我想，是因为我过不了自己良心那关。（人怎么活成这样？）当然我这个感受是因为我自己不能接受一个女人用这种形态生活。不过人家可能一辈子的经历并不是我想象那样，或者是别人喜欢的生活模式。 我跟我老公说，你以后千万不要这样对我。（我不是你妈。） 这句话说出来感觉很重，好像在骂人？多少我有自己的担忧。心理学上说的‘modelling’说明家庭背景与教育会体现在下一代身上。我今天看到的情景会不会发生在自己的身上啊。所以我必须先预警我的另一半，请不要像你爸对你妈这样对待我。我不是你妈。

 我没有忘记这个地方。我也许只是太忙碌。或者，我以为该是时候我不需要这个地方了。 最近心里有一种揪着的感觉。揪着很久之后，手脚开始麻木。让我开始思考，为什么人的情绪会转换成身体上的感觉？我知道医学的解释，可是，为什么？是不是身体在告诉我些什么呢。 这个揪着的感觉，之前也曾经有过，不过那是很久之前的事情了。我觉得一切很美好的时候，总会发生一些不愉快的事情。这个错误的观念，从小就有，导致我从前遇到很开心的事情也不敢过度兴奋。这个奇怪的观念，无论我怎么尝试去改变，或者给它一个新的认知，到了关键时刻，还是会像鬼魂那样缠着我。 有一天晚上，我躺在床上准备入眠。心揪着的感觉来袭，我辗转难眠，眼泪夺眶而出。老公在我身边 尝试安怀。我很想告诉他内心的一切，可是不知什么时候开始，我发现，当我说了想说的一番话之后，发觉得到的回应并不是我想要的。说了心里的话之后，反而得到一片肃静。我开始退缩，让无奈跟眼泪一起流下脸颊。 不是说好的要好好沟通吗？因为工作的关系让我在思考上有了改变。我开始去质疑是不是我说话的方式导致对方没办法理解，还是我不应该把心里所有话都掏出来呢。可是毕竟老公跟朋友之所以有差异，就是老公是我可以完全信任的人，那个无论你说什么，对方都会体谅，对方都会尝试理解的那个人。至少，这是我认为的。 曾经我有过这么一个很强烈的想法，我宁愿单身也不要嫁错郎。我一个人也可以活得好好的。所以不应该被感情生活纠结。人家也是不需要因为我而多了烦恼。经过很长一段时间了，我开始接受了自己，接受了别人，接受了生活上的变化。我犹如放下身段。我细心的经营着这一切，可是往往人生的大道上没有东西是顺利无阻的。过了许久之后，那个“宁愿单身也不要嫁错郎”的想法，原来是白日做梦，根本无法实现。因为确实当你决定奋身投入一段感情的时候，你开始经营它，遇到苦难，要披荆斩棘，不是怨天尤人。那个想法，只能用来作为提醒，因为决定是我做的，所以我要努力维护它。我在为自己的困境做无谓的解释吗？我知道我要坦然面对自己的感受。 回到家，我不想做精神科医生。回到家，我只想做人家的太太。我不想去揣测人家的内心，我不想去判断人家的过去和未来。我的梦想是，我心里想什么，我就说什么，我内心感受什么我就分享什么。什么都要揣测，很累的。 如果泪水可以代替内心揪着的感觉，我宁愿流下一公升的眼泪。

I am feeling rather depressed today, yesterday and the day before.  Perhaps I was happy before that.  I just had my notes printed. But it is laying on the table. The boat is sinking and I do not know where it is going.  My friends are leaving for the better yet I am left here, alone, sitting in the same cubicle.  Right now while I am typing, the time on my phone shows 11.45am. What am I even doing in my cubicle at this hour? I am wasting time. I am trying but probably not hard enough to fill up the multiple time gaps in my life. Other people are looking at their phone, having their breakfast or taking a nap. I shouldn't care because I am not the same. But why do I feel that I am mirroring? I enjoy being busy because it could mean I am doing something productive. I am not used to being idle and I will never feel comfortable being vacant.  Driving home from work yesterday was the time I spent to think about my boat. There is no bad current yet the boat is not going anywhere. Because

 Recently, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. And shortly before that I also found out I had endometrial polyps. Briefly, I have been having dysmenorrhoea for 3 years and menorrhagia for as long as I could recall. So, I've got a D&C done to remove the polyps. Following that is a 3-monthly Subcutaneous injection of Zoladex 10.8 for a total of 6 months.  Zoladex 10.8 is a GNRH agonist, which means, my ovaries will be 'switched off', resulting in a marked reduction of estrogen and progesterone release. Ultimately, medical menopause will be induced. This is the whole idea of the treatment, with the intention of shrinking the cyst in my ovary. But this treatment also comes with a whole list of side effects, mainly due to 'estrogen deprivation'.  I am going to highlight 'hot flushes' today because it is one of the symptoms that I am experiencing intensely. Hot flushes is also known as hot flashes - they are the same. It has been a month since the first inject

Such an overwhelming day today.  Time flies like an arrow. Little did I realise it is already the last day of January.  New year Eve of 2022 has long passed and Chinese New Year is ending soon; they felt like yesterday. Therefore, it's been 8 months since I joined Psychiatry in this new work place.  Learning curve has been flattening and I am feeling moody on days when I feel I can't get enough learning.  Let me come back to the point. Everything that happened today has put me in a position that I had to settle almost all of it on my own. Retrospectively, I was panicky and I found my voice trembling. To be honest, I was never left in such a helpless situation. I was in great despair for a short while from all the remarks I received from my superior during the aftermath. It made me think through a lot of things and I felt like my mind is in action again, after such a long time.  I had to speak to my friends. They made my voice tremble more because they reminded me that I was not

This is a year of changes.  From adapting to covid pandemic new work/life, to changing from a respiratory medical based work environment to an all new department in 2 different new places.  I think I am surviving.  Being in this field it makes us think about emotions a lot. Perhaps because that is what we deal with from time to time. We tend to magnify tiny emotions. While paying too much attention to emotions of others, we sometimes tend to overlook our own emotions. I kind of, have been ignoring my own feelings. Or, another possible circumstance is that I have been letting my subconscious self to guide my ways of dealing with things.  Over the past decade I have changed a lot.  From being the most so-called high achiever while I was in primary and high school, I have evolved into a person, perhaps from a Type A personality to a Type B, i.e. a more laid back, relaxed kind of attitude towards things. Now when I think about it, my productivity perhaps has reduced much but I take care of