The Pacinian corpuscle

That was a nice dream. But if you're cycling and I was left running after you, that its intention is to be kept just as a dream. You told me, whenever you feel lost and you can't see yourself in the ocean of people, you probably want to look up at the sky. And if the sky is blue and clouds fluffy and white, there is hope and you know where home is. Take a deep breath, wake up, leave them behind, and start working. Two things that I have identified just, now. That I am beautiful. And that, I will be more beautiful and for a very long time. As knowledge is what makes beauty, you can never run away from it. So when you are tired, close your eyes, think of the faces that made you days, because after that you will still move on to your next phase of life. Don't look out for a rainbow after the rain has stopped. Because the better is, that wherever and whenever it is, you can feel it and you can touch it because you know it is there. Even if you can't see it. This is wh...

今天，你让我意识到你的存在了。 那久违的思念却显得格外陌生。 何时，我变得如此善变，变得如此开通。没有拘束，没有牵挂，也没有负担。 是我变得果断了，还是因为心中本属于你的空间该由意义更大的事物所占据？ 当你越发强烈地让我意识到你的存在时，原来我已非昔日。只知道，当下的我有更重要的事情要完成。然而我却未曾抗拒你的到来，只是转航的船只不会回到原点，它只会向目的地不断前进了。 我的私心却依然如故。不知道为何，我依然喜欢你的存在，依然因为你的笑容而开心一整天。过去的时间里，我们从陌生人变成零交流的同班同学，再由零交流的同班同学变成有一点交流的同学。我们只会讨论课业上的问题，我们只会展现笑容，我们只会满足于现状。我不知道我们有没有继续成为朋友，因为我们只是停留在一个只享受微笑的阶段。其实，我们没有话题。我看不见一线曙光。我本以为这是深渊，其实不然，因为在深渊里无论多么乌黑我们总会有交错点。我们停留在一片广阔的平原。这个平原没有尽头。 我很庆幸你曾经让我如此为生活而着迷，也感恩因为你，我发现了生命不该为了看不见曙光的事物而颓丧，更不该停下步伐。因为我的生命里应该是为了有意义的事情而奋斗的。 我相信命运。我更相信自己。 仅此而已。

Oh and by the way, I looked at your lips today. I think they were sexy. I was looking for pimples/scars from healed pimples on your face too. I couldn't find any. I wonder why you could have such good complexion. I used to think that I was in love whenever I saw you. But now you are the one who is constantly reminding me that I am single and very independent. I was able to focus well in my work now, even when you are just an inch away from me. Maybe I have taken it for granted or maybe I am aware enough the fact that you are just but my another ward mate and we might just be only-friends after all. I am not sad but maybe this has just proven that it is not time yet. Some people said that we will only be able to fall in love when we understand about ourselves better. I guess this might be right. Sometimes I don't know who I am. Maybe I should learn to be a more confident me. I'm still in search of myself. But then on the other hand, I still enjoying being aware of y...

I'm better than what I expected of myself today. I did a scrotal examination and palpated a fibroadenoma today. They were good experiences. ******************************************************************* I guess I'm happy too because I was able to focus well in class, knowing that you are there. Maybe I was right that you are changing your mind. Because you never really notice me anymore. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I guess we can be better friends now, right? When my heart does not race anymore when you are standing next to me. I need to save up my energy on more important things now so I can't afford to think of you all the time, I told myself. But that does not mean that I have totally lost hope on you. Because you'd still make me smile for the day when I see you. I'm happy because I am clearer of what might be more important to me now. I don't want to live and die alone in the next 50 years but always waiting and hoping and wai...

Summary of the day I tried to look out for you and and you were already there. Can't remember what shirt you were wearing anymore. Once in a while when I was talking to the patients I'd try to see where you were until at one point I thought you walked out of the ward already. I was feeling tired maybe because of my Dengue-like effect so I went out to take a break with my bottle of water. I saw you sitting on the bench with your boy friends. I didn't really bother seeing what you were doing but I knew you were there. I started talking to the phone when dad and mum called to ask for my condition. You and your friends stood and went off. I was still on the line with Dad and when you walked pass me and down the stairs, you turned and look at me. I saw you too. Then you disappeared into the crowds. In the afternoon I did not know since when you went in to CR2 for our 2nd CSS class. But you were sitting so far behind from me that I couldn't see you at all. I wonde...

Hi dear, how are you today? I was on-call this evening and I enjoyed hard. I thought if you were to be here within my vicinity, I might be able to stay up fresh for a longer period and be all excited throughout the night. But you weren't there at all. I wonder if you have gone home to spend time with your family over the weekend. I didn't see you a lot too today. And I realized I could not ignore my fondencies. I just realized today how much I missed seeing you around. I like seeing you smile. It gives me strength and it makes me happy whenever I am not in the mood. In fact, knowing your presence would make my day. **************************************************************** When I close my eyes and I see you, I will smile for a very long time. Sometimes I wonder if you look at me too. And if you would smile when you think of me.  Sometimes when I tried to check out where you were in the wards, I thought you were looking for me too, somewhat.  But s...

I fell sick today. I think I couldn't even walk to the bathroom properly because when I woke up my room was in chaos. But I guess I had a nice dream although my headache was almost killing me. ************************************************************************** When I thought we couldn't be friends, and then I just lost some hope on you, you lit up hope to me again. Because you said Goodbye to me today, for the very first time. In the wards today I was talking to you sometimes, and I realized I did not have butterflies in my guts anymore. I guess I have learned to overcome the ridiculous anxiety that would arise seeing you. In the afternoon in the conference room I started to feel weak and sick. I thought you would never be noticing me anymore so I did what I should, trying to show as little awareness of your presence as possible. But I realized we would always leave a session almost together. But then I would always be after you. And when I thought you could ha...

I think I have just failed too badly. I think my pleasures are going to be over too soon. I think I have been dreaming too well. I think I'm just going back to my ownself. **************************************************************** I was smiling at you, saying Hello to you by heart. And then I was sitting behind you, thinking of how wonderful this day would be. I was then sitting next to you. I tried to talk to you. I tapped on your shoulder, now couldn't really recall what I told you. I thought I was too aware of your presence. I talked to you for a while and then you did too.  But my heart remained calm until when I stopped talking and got back my senses, I started having butterflies in my stomach. I was happy thinking of you even though I had indigestion almost everyday. I thought things would go on and proceed further. But today I think I had been wrong. I was too obsessed over my feelings, so overwhelmed that I could not see reali...

I came home a happy kid, recalling of the tiny moments that happened today. I used to wonder how people pay attention to their emotions and from there they divert them into words and become writers. Today I finally understood. That especially women, who are also known as wonders of emotions, tend to magnify little feelings that occur, be them happy or sad times, and then turn them into stories. Maybe it has happened to me. But I hope that my feelings are not being magnified too much. Or else, I would have been hallucinating a lot.          ********************************************************************** I liked the way guys in my batch dress up today. Well pressed long-sleeves with a matching neck tie and slacks. I realized young men who dress up in plain white or black shirt look attractive. And there were 3 of them who were in all white today. They look really nice. I don't know. Maybe I like to see how men dress up. And I like it a lot when they a...