The Pacinian corpuscle

时间过得很快。我总是觉得如果我比别人多出48小时，那么我的人生将会变得完美。 最近的日子,因为繁忙的课业还有一大堆未完成事项我必须不断工作，让人窒息让人疲乏。我觉得自己的灵魂好像被打碎的琉璃，尽是无法收拾的残局，令人难堪。因为时间过的太快我对于必须回顾的生活细节无从下手，这让我流失了好多宝贵的回忆。 我的灵魂和躯壳总失去协调。只知道，一到有空闲的时候，我的一部分总在大海中荡漾，漂泊，失去重心。我彻底被疲乏的作息搞垮。我想，人原来是在这种许多一不留神的时刻里失去青春的。 我好疲累啊。可是一小部分的自己却觉得疲累是一个不良效应。什么不良效应呢？只有对生命缺乏信心，希望与乐趣的人才会觉得活着很累。我喜欢我在做的事情。可是我的躯壳好像有点负荷不了。即使是这种疲累，我也认为只有对生命失去憧憬与鞭策力的人才会有如此的经历。一个对生活有美好憧憬的人是绝对充满正能量的。这种能量带来的效应与纯粹由体力支撑的事物完全不可放在同一比较平台上。那是因为这效应是非比寻常的巨大的。像在雪地上滚动的雪球一样，只会变得越来越庞大。 我的疲累可以由此中和吗？我需要好多力气来支撑我接下来要走的路啊。路崎岖不平，可是那是我毕生的选择。我喜欢我的选择。我目前需要的，只是多那一丁点的体力。

这星期六特别让人满意，因为空气里弥漫着令人振奋的自由的气息。 首先必须要感谢的是爸妈为我付出的白展堂。我爱死她了。 第一次心血来潮决定跟失散多年的友人第一次驾车往海拔1000尺的地方行驶，第一次驾驶超过1个小时的车程，第一次没有用全球定位系统GPS却没有感觉因为走在不曾到过的地方而有心脏快爆掉的感觉，让我感觉自己是勇敢并且不惧接受挑战的女人。 在此，我必须感谢不断支持并且鼓励我到外探索新地方的母亲。她伟大的想法让我在成长途中找到真正的快乐。 在这数小时的半日游里，我明确地让自己找到了方向感。这确实让人振奋。 我也证明了一点，我的大学生涯可以是如此有趣的，甚至更有趣的。我经常告诉自己，10年后如果有人让我分享大学生涯发生的趣事，我必须确保我想到的将不会只是永远念不完的书本。我只活一次，所以我必须确保我的大学生活是度身定做的。 这一次是1个多小时的单程，我已经感到无比的快感。 我在期待，下一次的车程里，我会得到什么新的启发呢？ 我告诉友人我那个依旧的“我必须做些现在不做以后会后悔的事情”的想法，也让她建议我们下一个行程。她拍手叫好，对于我的想法赞不绝口。我心里也特爽快，似乎找到了志同道合的伙伴。 那个白展堂走了1个多小时才到的地方是知知港。这地方很小，其实是个华人新村。它没有什么很特别的地方，可它历史悠久，离开大城市远一点，或许看起来没什么发展，可人情味也浓厚，会让人有点不舍。然而如果自问会不会到回去，我却会犹豫。我或许会选择探索一些别的地方吧。 然而，这2小时往返的车程，加上到了知知港为了寻找壁画而不停来回行驶等的点点滴滴是一段珍贵的心理路程。我对真正的愉快有了新的体认：在戏院里度过的周末或者在咖啡厅里度过的星期日下午或者在商场里度过的喧哗时刻当中所获得的体验远远比不上一段探索新事物带来的乐趣。 这时，友人问我最喜欢做什么事情。我想了一下道，旅游吧。可是我赶快纠正，我喜欢做的事情多半是我向往的生活形式。可我心里也想着，这向往要做的事情什么时候可以让我经常做呢。我喜欢做的事情未必可以经常做。但是我发现我并没有空口说白话。 因为今天，我踏出了第一步。

“天啊，才发现原来我享受神游的时刻。” 在重新离开家人独自生活以后，我渐渐发现原来自己不再渴望回家，也不再因想家而显得孤单。更值得开心的是我撇开失眠了。我感觉好踏实，心情也总是轻快无比。 在过去的6个星期里，我一直在观察自己成长了多少。 打从离家那天起，我经常提醒自己，我必须好好经营自己的人生。 我经常想起家中的母亲，她的每一句话语成了鞭策我的一股能量。 我闭起眼睛，想起为我劳碌的父亲。他艰辛的背影烙灸在我心里，让我知道必须认真对待生命。 在医院里，我跟无数个病人结下姻缘，也尝试走进他们的人生，这一切让我看清人的生命虽然珍贵，却无比脆弱。我不知道哪一天我会躺在病床上，成为其他医学生的学习对象。又或者哪一天，我睁开眼睛，发现自己再无法动弹了。于是，我决定每一天早晨都必须怀着感恩的心面对所有事物。对此，我很感激父母对我的教诲，还有生命中让我遇到的每一个人，每一件事，他们给我书本上学不到的智慧，让我懂得思想，懂得感恩，并且让我变得坚强、勇敢。过去的数个星期中，我对生命有了新的认知。现在我更确定，我喜欢的人生，其基础建立在别人的快乐上。因为我发现，当身边的人因我而乐，心中发起的快感是独特的，并且是持久不息的。 回想让人充实。 我好像更明白了一点。 原来生活带来的满足感，是绝不能用任何事物衡量的。因为这感觉是绝对独有并且无法用笔墨形容的。

I think I truly enjoyed the TBL session with DK today. I liked the way he facilitated the session and when he emphasized active learning, he made sure we implement it as well. So we have to have a few cases that we came across related to the topic we were going to discuss before the session. When TBL starts, we would decide on the learning issues that we would want to discuss. After that, 40 of us would be divided into 4 smaller groups and the discussions begin. I like the fact that when you actively participate in a discussion, you share the things that you have read/learned previously with your colleagues and if anyone has come across a different information he or she would voice out and then we do further discussion on the matter. It makes learning interactive and fun. TBL would never be boring if it's been done this way from the beginning. There are a few things that I would want to jot down because I think they are important and would be useful for me for the rest of my w...

I have been seeing this patient for one week. He came in due to alleged burns over the back of the body. But he's now being managed for progressive quadriplegia which started one week before he was admitted to the hospital, in which quadriplegia, is also the cause of the burns over the back.  This particular patient would call me for help. Sometimes I would help him to re-adjust the position of the pillows. Sometimes he would want me to lift up his legs or arms so that he feels better. This evening, I did some massaging over the neck area, which he said he felt a tinge of discomfort over the region, like how I would do on my mum's. He asked me why. So I explained to him that this could be due to lying down for a long time without adequate movement of the cervical joints.  I looked at him at the end of the bed for quite some time. He has been here in the ward for almost 2 weeks now. He is losing weight. His legs have become smaller. And I think he is becoming weaker too....

在我还没开始眯书之前，好想把一些小小片段记载下来。 ***************************************************************** 《疼痛》 今天第一次穿了妈妈给我的黑色达芙妮 楔形鞋，才发现原来女人为了美，真的需要承受痛苦。早上我就一直祈祷这双鞋子可以让我挨到下午回家。从学校的停车场走到4楼图书馆放下书包，再从学校走到3楼病房的距离在平时而言是无足挂齿的。可是今天早上，我必须屏住气，还要脸上挂着自信的神采，一步一步地使劲走。我觉得自己就像当年的汉族女子，因为骄子坏了而必须以三寸金莲徒步行走。啊，我说，这是何苦呢。 可是我好喜欢那双鞋子。可我不是为了美丽宁愿忍痛的个性啊。 《黏黏的热》 今天的天气真的好热好热。早上发生的事情太多了，记不住了，只知道在病房里我汗流浃背。我看着有些病人躺在床上，敞开衣裳也都在流汗。我穿着棉质半袖有领子的衣服，外加挂满笔记本子、钢笔、名牌及诊听器的白袍和黑色紧身长裤。突然还真有股冲动想脱下衣服呢。芙蓉的太阳啊，你就不能大发点慈悲吗。早上8点钟我的背部已经都湿漉漉的了，你说我一整天下来，能好受吗？反正今天一直到回家我自感觉浑身黏黏的。

I'm most probably feeling rather down today. My feelings are complicated and no one word could explain it. And I can't be sure of the etiology. I have been going to bed with a bad headache or dizziness. I have been waking up with tired eyes. I have been feeling too sleepy everyday after lunch. I have been dozing off in the class so much that I can't remember what exactly I have learnt. I have been too unaware of what I am doing. All in all, I am feeling tired most of the time. The 3rd week of surgery posting has just called for an end but I can't recall what I have done. This week time has passed too fast. And I don't like it when I am not aware of the time. I sat in the toilet for 10 minutes. Thunders were roaring and I could hear squeaking sounds of strong winds blowing. I closed my eyes for some time and I could only recall shattered pieces of memories for the past one week. What have I been doing? All that I could remember was that I started the ...

On call on a Tuesday night is a NO-NO good thing. I'm having severe dizziness and headache now. Possible etiology is that I have been dehydrated. And I think the weather was bad today. I was sweating a lot in the wards with a lack of fluid replenishment. If I were to be on-call for 5 days a week, I will get DVT sooner or later. Today I spent 2.5 hours observing an open appendicectomy. The operation was interesting since this was my first time observing the complete op. It was my first time to see a real appendix being removed too. It is smaller than I expected. Tomorrow is a long, long day. And the day after tomorrow is my first TBL. I have tonnes of work left unfinished now. By right I am not supposed to go to bed before I get my things done. But my head hurts too much now that I think if I don't excuse myself from work I might throw up soon. So, nights, pals!

TGIF I wanted to post this as my status for the day too. But my Friday would be slightly different. I usually would decide to spend my Friday evening doing on-call in the wards. And I actually like it. Today is not a typical on-call day because I thought I did not do much. I did not get to talk to many patients today. But then again I remembered my mentor saying that doing ward work is not about clerking patients. In fact, there are so many other things that you can do in a ward. Like today, even though I did not really prefer it to have my ward work done this way, which is when I did not get to find interesting cases or talk to patients and engage a good rapport with them, I only got to talk to one new patient. However, I got to observe how a patient who needed bladder irrigation was managed. I spent almost an hour sitting with the patient at the bed. I did not talk much. I tried to listen. He told me so many things that I did not know - be them about politics, life and his grandd...

I am glad I have Dato Kanda as my posting mentor although I have been hearing so much from my seniors that he is a very strict doctor with high expectations from students. Yesterday I had the first CPD session with him and he gave an inspiring overview of how and what we should be doing in a ward. First he asked us what do we do in the morning when we are in the wards. None of us gave the answer he wanted. But then he said doctors aren't supposed to clerk patients in a way that they feel that they are interrogated. Taking a good history from a patient is merely listening to patients. When they have trust in you, they will be more than happy to spend time telling stories. And then our job is to think about their stories which could be related to their problems and then you will realize that their stories make sense. I used to ask one of my wardmates how she always spent so much time talking to only one patient. I thought she was wasting time. But now I realized she has been do...