On call on a Thursday night. Little thoughts before I go to bed.

I have been seeing this patient for one week. He came in due to alleged burns over the back of the body. But he's now being managed for progressive quadriplegia which started one week before he was admitted to the hospital, in which quadriplegia, is also the cause of the burns over the back. 

This particular patient would call me for help. Sometimes I would help him to re-adjust the position of the pillows. Sometimes he would want me to lift up his legs or arms so that he feels better. This evening, I did some massaging over the neck area, which he said he felt a tinge of discomfort over the region, like how I would do on my mum's. He asked me why. So I explained to him that this could be due to lying down for a long time without adequate movement of the cervical joints. 

I looked at him at the end of the bed for quite some time. He has been here in the ward for almost 2 weeks now. He is losing weight. His legs have become smaller. And I think he is becoming weaker too. I have been trying to figure out what has happened to him and how the doctors are going to manage him. By the way, he was diagnosed with neurosyphilis which has caused early brain atrophy, which explains the worsening weakness of the limbs. But I would always remind myself not to be judgemental no matter how he used to live and what he used to do. I would be reading his case files and in times of need I would be willing to help him whenever possible. I would talk to him like I would to any other person. 

Today he asked me whether I could hear what he was saying. I said yes. He asked why his voice is getting softer. I said that maybe he is tired. Maybe I'm lying to him because I know that he is getting weaker which is why he can't speak as loud as he could. But I had problems even telling him that he is in fact getting weaker. How could I tell a person that his brain is shrinking and that he might end up with tubes hooking on his body trying to keep him alive? 

I wanted to ask how he was feeling. But I did not manage to. It was written in the files that he needed emotional support. I can't even imagine putting myself into his shoes. I can't imagine how I would face my life if one day I were to wake up and find myself paralyzed? I admire how strong patients like him are. I'd probably have collapsed if the same were to happen on me.