Jan 2023

Such an overwhelming day today. 

Time flies like an arrow. Little did I realise it is already the last day of January. 

New year Eve of 2022 has long passed and Chinese New Year is ending soon; they felt like yesterday.

Therefore, it's been 8 months since I joined Psychiatry in this new work place. 

Learning curve has been flattening and I am feeling moody on days when I feel I can't get enough learning. 

Let me come back to the point. Everything that happened today has put me in a position that I had to settle almost all of it on my own. Retrospectively, I was panicky and I found my voice trembling. To be honest, I was never left in such a helpless situation. I was in great despair for a short while from all the remarks I received from my superior during the aftermath. It made me think through a lot of things and I felt like my mind is in action again, after such a long time. 

I had to speak to my friends. They made my voice tremble more because they reminded me that I was not alone and that any form of struggle or obstacles could be a form of learning and inevitably, I have to learn how to face these difficult situations on my own one day. 

It made me realise that I have been idle for too long. So long, that my brain has as if stopped functioning. I stepped on cloud nine day in and out having a great time living a life so lacking of learning and knowledge; today, I fell from the sky and it hit me hard. 

I cried to my husband on the phone later the evening. 

I cried because I allowed my emotions to be let out. I wasn't scared. I was just feeling fragile and I needed to remind myself that it is Okay to feel that way. My husband helped me realise that the world could be cruel at times. But we have to be strong. 

I need reflections. More reflections. So that I come back to my senses. So that I would not be lost. So that I would not find out only when I was already half way falling from the sky.

With gratitude, I wish learning grows exponentially.