I thought I could wear flats to school again because I don't have to look tall anymore. I was delighted the night before as I thought I have successfully triumphed over myself. But I think I still failed too miserably today.

I took out my flats, placed them under the rack. I was looking for one of matching color with my dress. I picked one of them finally. But then, my hand did not reach for them. Instead, they reached for my platforms again. Have I failed to believe that I should be feeling nothing but relief from letting go? I should be giving up on unnecessary emotions and have myself settled down completely by now.

But I survived the class. Because my heart was racing again and I started to feel too aware of you again. I can't explain the chemistry. I don't know what happened to me. I was on cloud nine when I knew I was going to sit beside you. Sigh. Why would I still feel anxious about this when I already decided not to bother anymore? My eyes were looking at the screen in front of me, my arms and legs crossed with my notebooks placed on my lap. I was listening hard. But nothing went in. And I could feel the adrenaline rush gushing out of my bloodstream every few moments. 

At least it kept me awake in class, so I shouldn't be too sad about the failure. I was constantly convincing myself with this excuse.

If I were the story teller, should I continue making up stories?
Because there is no more true stories to tell. I'm always at the preface of a fairy tale that would never begin.

It's okay, I'll live through it.
Because I still believe in myself that no matter what happens, I am still beautiful, and only more beautiful people will see me.

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