my eyes need to sleep but my mind awake at all times

Indulging in McD's apple pie and french fries now -- it's like being in heaven. I finally could walk home slowly because tomorrow is my off day! 

My ego was hurt a few times today. Not from scoldings. But just opinions and suggestions of my superiors and seniors. Sometimes these words are more intense than scoldings. But I told myself it's alright because I'm still getting used to the system and trying to blend in and speed up with my work. I've got to be happy and grateful enough to have my ward colleagues who are super funny and nice to work with. I am really thankful because they are the ones who add colours to my daily routine. 

Today is a super messed up day. Dengue ward for the first day. Not guided or told what patients to cover and how to get a dengue review done the right way. MO came, but senior HO carried own with their own work. MO was too friendly I think. He's too nice and too gentle. Nope. No good. I like MOs and specialists who have specific intentions and expectations because at least I know the right things to do. I don't mind getting the scoldings. I kind of miss it when I erm..was kind of told off by another MO today for not reading up the whole case. But that was super mild. Like 20% of the harshest things I've heard in the past years in med school. Poked a patient too many times till I feel embarrassed to even walk pass him. And one thing I hate doing in the ward is: walking from one end to another and into each room to look for the blood taking trolley, finding syringes and needles and even cottons and blood tubes and many other more essential things. Like a kidney dish. I spent 20 mins looking for a single kidney dish today. No kidney dish to be found in a Dengue ward. I mean, does it even make sense? 

I work better in a desperate environment. I was so busy with my discharge summaries that I totally forgot that I have friends in the front cubicles who needed help. A senior HO came by, asked me which UNI I'm from. And he told me that I should help my friends in the cubicles. I stood up, said OK, and walked to my cubicles. Unexplained, I was holding up my tears at that moment. But I can't let them fall because I was wearing a labcoat. My ego was so destroyed that I couldn't even speak for the next 20 mins. I helped a patient to fix a branula. With no doubt I did it - single attempt. Because I was desperate and my instinct told me I needed to do something to protect my pride. I had to prove to myself that I'm not worthless. 

So did I. 

I stayed back for another hour to do my discharge summaries. I did things quietly and I didn't like to befriend nurses. I didn't like extra stuffs hanky panky stuffs and girl friends stuff and emosi emosi stuffs. Too many girls ladies and women in the ward. sometimes it makes me difficult to breathe. Glad that my smoker friend's there to entertain me. For the first time we had dinner together in the ward. He's nice guy lah. 

see ya