What can I do to make you smile?

My eyes can't help but to look out for the piece of fat in which the pork is sliced in a way that the fatty layers lie in between the skin and the meat. I couldn't focus on my plate anymore because I was hoping so hard that Mum would not swallow that down the throat. But then what I hoped for did not happen. In the next minute there is no where I can find the remaining fatty layer. It must have been in the stomach already. At the instance I felt nothing but suffocation. I could not breathe well and I felt heavy on my chest. I could not tolerate that at all. I felt that I have failed so badly in stopping that to happen. But it was too late. I couldn't stop Mum from swallowing it. I have never felt so miserable before. 

In the wards, day and night, I have talked to and seen numerous patients coming in and out of the hospital because of complications of Diabetes. As people who learn medicine, we know very well what is going to happen to diabetics in the long run, when their blood glucose is poorly-controlled. I can't erase all the scenes that have come by my mind. I can only see and recall how I wrote the numerous reports with a similar starting sentence. 

'Mr. so and so, a poorly-controlled diabetics for xx years came in to the ER with an abscess at the xx...'

'Mdm. so and so, a diabetic patient for the past xx years was admitted to the hospital due to...'

'Mr. so and so, a diabetic patient, poorly-controlled over xx years, came to the hospital presenting with frothy urine, so and so..'

'Mr. so and so, a diabetic patient for xx years claimed to be non-compliant to treatment presented with sudden onset of right sided weakness of the body...'

And the list goes on.

I was hoping that it was a mistake, when I don't see the fatty layer anymore. I can't help but to see how it is going to be broken down in the body into bad cholesterol which will further worsen atherosclerosis. I can't help but to see how much blood vessels have already become obstructed. I see atheroma growing bigger. I see blood struggling to pass through. I feel suffocated. I feel like dying. And I don't know what was on my plate and what I was doing at the time anymore. 

I don't know Mum at all, I realised. What is her purpose of life? Am I being selfish that because I want to make myself feel better, I think I have to stop her from eating what she favors? I have been thinking over this for sleepless nights and yet I have not found a satisfying answer. But one thing that I am worried for sure, is that I might regret for what I did not do to make a difference. At least I must try before giving up. Because of the one fact that she is my Mum, and I only have one mum. If my patients deserve the right to be treated, and the right to good quality of life, I am fairly sure my mum deserves them too. 

I often feel very frustrated when I am stuck at the same point for a very long time. I can't get through and I feel very miserable. I can't smile anymore. I am sad. In fact, very sad. I feel like crying and I would tear a lot if I allow myself to imagine what might happen to Mum in a long run. I don't want to wake up one fine day and find my mum gone. I am very very scared. I want to bring Mum around the world to travel. I am so unprepared for uncertainties. I am so reluctant to reality and I don't want things to become worse. I want to see people feeling happy. But again, how do people define happiness?

Am I over acting? I can't tell anymore. But I tend to relate the symptoms my patients in the wards are experiencing to my mum's condition. I always believe prevention is better than cure. I feel that I have the obligation to play a role as a daughter especially when all hard works of my parents go to funding of my medical education. I feel that I have a right to pay back to my parents and this is probably one of the ways.

Everyone dies ultimately. But everyone hopes to die in a good way. I want to make sure people die with minimal suffering. About this I am still not very certain. I am still so unsure about the beliefs about life. Karma, sufferings and stuff. In Buddhism, if one tries to minimize the sufferings of the current life, they are just postponing their suffering to the next life. I am partially convinced by this belief but not thoroughly. I am lost along the way.

Mum does not take very good care of her health, in my point of view. Maybe she is not aware of it. Maybe that is negligence. I am not sure. But I want to know how she thinks about her condition before I can do anything to help. Do I not have the right to interfere with her life? Since I am her only daughter.