EQ and communications

And then I told myself, it's okay. I'll become better.
But then I'm not quite happy.
I realized I'm always not quite happy all the time.

I am behind schedule.
I am distracted.
I am awfully distracted to things that I want to do, feelings that I want to possess.
Am I running away from reality?
No because I live in reality and no matter how terrific I can be it is me, surviving in the realm of distractions and sufferings and...a place that allows falling behind schedule and forever feeling unsatisfactory to life.

There you go, I told myself. There is no bounding of heartbeats. No breathes that become too shallow and quick. But it is there, the distractions, that would begin and would not end.
But when your eyes fall on mine, I took it as a little step closer to fostering a better friendship. Period.
But your eyes fall on mine for the second time, but third time and, but, for the fourth time. My hormones start to play around with me. It is disgusting, when distractions overrule your many priorities, they become the priority eventually. And then here comes the despair when it's too late to realize that you were just but a story teller who has lost her way in the universe of dreams, and is childish enough to believe all feelings can be real.

Yes, but they are real. Or rather, they were real, when you took a leap too wide that you can't afford to grab hold of the other side of the cliff. And then you woke up from your dreams, feeling like a miniature that is immersed in the air of misery.

Distractions.
Can I live with them?
Can I deal with them in a proper way?
Can I befriend them? So that I know what they want. I would offer them a great deal so they stay farther away from me. But I cannot abandon them. Because I want to make sure they are there, but far away from me. So that I live. And they become an alibi for how strong I have grown, and I would grow.

My heart feels dizzy, like a caffeine-intoxicated little kitten, when you turn and smile to me. I wonder why. Your smile seems a little different from others. Because it makes me want to look at you for a longer than usual time.

This time back, I promised myself not to tell a story. I will only reply with a smile. And be the one I want to be.

I don't make mistakes giving authority to my hormones anymore. Because I think they are bad guys who give me lots of pleasure but take all of them away from me when they feel like it.

I lost dignity seeing this. And I shall not let this happen again.