And then I told myself, it's okay. I'll become better. But then I'm not quite happy. I realized I'm always not quite happy all the time. I am behind schedule. I am distracted. I am awfully distracted to things that I want to do, feelings that I want to possess. Am I running away from reality? No because I live in reality and no matter how terrific I can be it is me, surviving in the realm of distractions and sufferings and...a place that allows falling behind schedule and forever feeling unsatisfactory to life. There you go, I told myself. There is no bounding of heartbeats. No breathes that become too shallow and quick. But it is there, the distractions, that would begin and would not end. But when your eyes fall on mine, I took it as a little step closer to fostering a better friendship. Period. But your eyes fall on mine for the second time, but third time and, but, for the fourth time. My hormones start to play around with me. It is disgusting, when dist...
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我没有忘记这个地方。我也许只是太忙碌。或者,我以为该是时候我不需要这个地方了。 最近心里有一种揪着的感觉。揪着很久之后,手脚开始麻木。让我开始思考,为什么人的情绪会转换成身体上的感觉?我知道医学的解释,可是,为什么?是不是身体在告诉我些什么呢。 这个揪着的感觉,之前也曾经有过,不过那是很久之前的事情了。我觉得一切很美好的时候,总会发生一些不愉快的事情。这个错误的观念,从小就有,导致我从前遇到很开心的事情也不敢过度兴奋。这个奇怪的观念,无论我怎么尝试去改变,或者给它一个新的认知,到了关键时刻,还是会像鬼魂那样缠着我。 有一天晚上,我躺在床上准备入眠。心揪着的感觉来袭,我辗转难眠,眼泪夺眶而出。老公在我身边 尝试安怀。我很想告诉他内心的一切,可是不知什么时候开始,我发现,当我说了想说的一番话之后,发觉得到的回应并不是我想要的。说了心里的话之后,反而得到一片肃静。我开始退缩,让无奈跟眼泪一起流下脸颊。 不是说好的要好好沟通吗?因为工作的关系让我在思考上有了改变。我开始去质疑是不是我说话的方式导致对方没办法理解,还是我不应该把心里所有话都掏出来呢。可是毕竟老公跟朋友之所以有差异,就是老公是我可以完全信任的人,那个无论你说什么,对方都会体谅,对方都会尝试理解的那个人。至少,这是我认为的。 曾经我有过这么一个很强烈的想法,我宁愿单身也不要嫁错郎。我一个人也可以活得好好的。所以不应该被感情生活纠结。人家也是不需要因为我而多了烦恼。经过很长一段时间了,我开始接受了自己,接受了别人,接受了生活上的变化。我犹如放下身段。我细心的经营着这一切,可是往往人生的大道上没有东西是顺利无阻的。过了许久之后,那个“宁愿单身也不要嫁错郎”的想法,原来是白日做梦,根本无法实现。因为确实当你决定奋身投入一段感情的时候,你开始经营它,遇到苦难,要披荆斩棘,不是怨天尤人。那个想法,只能用来作为提醒,因为决定是我做的,所以我要努力维护它。我在为自己的困境做无谓的解释吗?我知道我要坦然面对自己的感受。 回到家,我不想做精神科医生。回到家,我只想做人家的太太。我不想去揣测人家的内心,我不想去判断人家的过去和未来。我的梦想是,我心里想什么,我就说什么,我内心感受什么我就分享什么。什么都要揣测,很累的。 如果泪水可以代替内心揪着的感觉,我宁愿流下一公升的眼泪。
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