The Pacinian corpuscle

Such an overwhelming day today.  Time flies like an arrow. Little did I realise it is already the last day of January.  New year Eve of 2022 has long passed and Chinese New Year is ending soon; they felt like yesterday. Therefore, it's been 8 months since I joined Psychiatry in this new work place.  Learning curve has been flattening and I am feeling moody on days when I feel I can't get enough learning.  Let me come back to the point. Everything that happened today has put me in a position that I had to settle almost all of it on my own. Retrospectively, I was panicky and I found my voice trembling. To be honest, I was never left in such a helpless situation. I was in great despair for a short while from all the remarks I received from my superior during the aftermath. It made me think through a lot of things and I felt like my mind is in action again, after such a long time.  I had to speak to my friends. They made my voice tremble more because they reminded m...

This is a year of changes.  From adapting to covid pandemic new work/life, to changing from a respiratory medical based work environment to an all new department in 2 different new places.  I think I am surviving.  Being in this field it makes us think about emotions a lot. Perhaps because that is what we deal with from time to time. We tend to magnify tiny emotions. While paying too much attention to emotions of others, we sometimes tend to overlook our own emotions. I kind of, have been ignoring my own feelings. Or, another possible circumstance is that I have been letting my subconscious self to guide my ways of dealing with things.  Over the past decade I have changed a lot.  From being the most so-called high achiever while I was in primary and high school, I have evolved into a person, perhaps from a Type A personality to a Type B, i.e. a more laid back, relaxed kind of attitude towards things. Now when I think about it, my productivity perhaps has reduced...

 May of 2022 just slipped through our hands like grains of sands.  When I just came to realise it, it was over.  2 months in a new department came to an end.  Twas a great surprise when I found out I got into the parallel pathway program. Mixed feelings - more anxious, worry driven by the vast unpredictabilities of the new work place, with some sadness as I thought I finally found some friends at work, also a little excitement about the program, meaning i've progressed a little to my 'dream'. Apostrophes because I do not intend to describe becoming a specialist as a dream of mine. Multifactorials: It is feasible. Dreams are for achievements that are far from reality. But, also, to me as a current 3rd batch contract medical officers of this country, the future has too much unpredictabilities, too much insecurities, so much that I have started to numb myself from all these things that are beyond my control. Therefore, the future is variable. It is dynamic, even my goal...

 5 days into this new department, and day 3 of working. Yet I am already feeling so much of awkwardness and pecularities in the air, amongst the human beings. I have only clerked a handful of patients myself yet I am hearing so many things. Weird things that I did not know existed back then when I was in my previous department.  I am being spied. This one single person in my team who is constantly reminding me to 'be careful' of someone. And another sending me texts to say how depressed many of them were in the past 1 year and this has resulted in a number of people leaving the place. Wow. Am I Nancy Drew? or Conan. Am I supposed to figure this puzzle myself?  I am bad at puzzles. And I don't enjoy it much.  I could trust no one.  That's the conclusion I drew. I don't know if I am being helped, or manipulated. I hate to judge but analysing is a habit of mine and I can become very sensitive to things that happen around me, that is, if I allow myself to sense it....

Today seems like 'the worst day ever' after so long.  I haven't had what's called an emotional turmoil for some time now. Life's been so seemingly calm and smooth for so long that I have forgotten how to handle a little stress in life.  So I have been doing pretty frequent online shopping since the pandemic. Most of the time someone would be at home to pick up my parcel. But 2 days ago no one was. And the delivery guy left the parcel in the plastic bag as usual - we have been getting parcels so frequent when we were away for a short while that even the delivery guy knew we would ask him to place the parcel in the designated bags. I was away for over night from the time it was delivered. And when I came home the parcel was gone! I traced the CCTV footage, unfortunately it wasn't showing what it was intended for. So i sent in an email and demanded full compensation because who else would know where I kept the uncollected parcels? After all these were placed in big...

事隔半年，我再次进入备考状态。这一次转了坨，希望离开自己的理想生活模式更靠近一点点了。还跟男朋友处的还可以，幸会。正当我开始学习精神科的点滴，我也正在学习了解身边的这个人。今天突然想写部落阁因为突发奇想。 过去几个月因为我在备考所以自从旅游业开放以来我们都没办法正式去玩耍。所以特地在下个月考完试过后我们来一趟不太远的旅行。首先我觉得这一趟只是很简单的旅行，并不是为了庆祝什么特别的日子，而且旅游地点也不是什么新鲜地。对于这种情况，我对住宿费蛮保守的。能省即省。宁可把钱花在吃，或者下一趟出国旅游，也不愿本地花费。男朋友可能态度跟我不一样。跟我去玩耍他总是想要住好的，远远超乎我的预算。可是每次为自己消费了，又会满怀不舍。所以我觉得他是想要让我住好的吃好的。或者，他可能认为我比较挑剔吧。或者“贵养”女伴让他自我感觉良好。 说的直接，他的自信和满足有一部分来自满足身旁的我。所以当我拒绝了住花费比较高的地点他可能觉得没有很开心。可是花费了又觉得心痛。这个心态我必须纠正。如果我只是个暂时相处的伴侣那我当然想要对方把最好的花在我身上。可是考虑到长久的话这种消费心态可能不能持久吧。至少我需要让对方知道，住在昂贵的酒店带来的快乐并不能与住宿费成正比。我更享受的是当下的人，事，物。

 1年又4个月 时间过的很慢？还是我们的步伐太快了？ 要记录这个里程碑，因为我们俩关系再进一步升华。 一个在北部，一个在中部。每个月见面就2，3次。要达到升华确实需要费一些精力。所以才需要记录一下。 1年前是每天扑通扑通的心跳，时刻心花怒放；1年后是无比舒适不需要化妆也可以泰然处之。今天我甚至不需要打扮，穿着宽松T恤长裤就出门了。还可以问，“我黑圆圈深吗？”当然对方只能回答“没有啊”。所以，才要记录起来。1年4个月，跟一个之前没有跟女人相处太多的男性在一起，要塑造他“有效地”跟我的相处方式，也是我费尽力气的精心策划。今天看来--进展不错。 要记录下来，这个无比舒适的感觉。好像可以随便挑衅对方，欺负对方。是到了一个新的里程碑了。这个心花怒放添加了很实在的生活感，让人很倍感温馨与安乐。 1年4个月看似很漫长，可是到了5年10年之后，每一个1年4个月就显得越来越无足挂齿了。所以一段感情的开始是最重要的，因为人们总会把它无比放大。“一日不见，如三秋兮”这种感觉，就这个时候会出现罢了。每一个时段经历的都不一样。本质上无法比较。重要的是要时刻警惕自己，不要虚度美好的光阴。每一天是福气，要用心感受，这福气才可以全然属于你。