another new starting point

 May of 2022 just slipped through our hands like grains of sands. 

When I just came to realise it, it was over. 

2 months in a new department came to an end. 

Twas a great surprise when I found out I got into the parallel pathway program. Mixed feelings - more anxious, worry driven by the vast unpredictabilities of the new work place, with some sadness as I thought I finally found some friends at work, also a little excitement about the program, meaning i've progressed a little to my 'dream'. Apostrophes because I do not intend to describe becoming a specialist as a dream of mine. Multifactorials: It is feasible. Dreams are for achievements that are far from reality. But, also, to me as a current 3rd batch contract medical officers of this country, the future has too much unpredictabilities, too much insecurities, so much that I have started to numb myself from all these things that are beyond my control. Therefore, the future is variable. It is dynamic, even my goals and 'dreams' are - to be fair for myself. 

1st of June I lapor diri at one of the main institutional hospitals (for the insane) in the country. I like to use the word insane, of course, privately. Because I think about work a lot and when I do, there must be a clear boundary. The term insane is strong and clear and I intend to set a boundary between work, and, personal very much. 

I am going through some emotional turmoil since early morning. Thus the reason for me to start typing. I have been paying more attention to my emotions lately. (Some say this is an occupational habit.) And when the emotions are intensified I feel there is a need to ventilate. 

I want to validate my own emotions. Be them positive or negative ones. 

Positives - 

I am feeling in loved, most of the time, especially when I get to spend time with my hubs. (unfortunately we do not stay together yet as we are separated by work. ) It has been 2 years now and I still feel it getting stronger. To be honest I have never really experienced this kind of romantic feeling, at least not that I could remember. It is unique, not comparable to any other feelings. It becomes a form of motivation for me in life. To wake up and go to work and then to let weekdays roll quickly till weekend comes when both of us get to reunite again. I am not sure at what stage my relationship is at the moment but I am glad a lot of my dreadful times get washed away by this feeling which bring about a sense of positivity. There is hope and future which I long for. Thus it motivates me in life. 

Negatives - 

New changes-many in a short period of time. From one place to another. From leaving my former colleagues to getting to know new colleagues and then leaving again in less than 2 months. And now I am starting the same cycle again, but with much difference this time. Since I am transferred to a much larger hospital, there are so many more colleagues. Most of them are super seniors, most of them with at least 5 years service in this place. I am not trying to be racist but I do look for people of my same colour, not for anything judgemental, but familiarity, and similarities in lunch places etc. These help to keep me away from too much of anxiety. Sadly there are only 5-6 of them and they are not as welcoming as I have thought. Not complaining. I am clear that I am here to work, not to look for friends. These new changes have put me in situations where I feel lonely, awkward, anxious and worried. The idea that I am new in this fraternity (2 months, versus years)keep preoccupying my mind. I am always looking for a person where I could ask help from at work.  I have yet to find any. Everyone seem friendly but they might just be the courtesy-friendly which also means (hi, nice to meet you, but i have my own business). To counter this cocktail of emotions, I repeatedly remind myself that I am here to learn and to train myself. 4 years is all I have in this program. So my focus should be put on how to improve myself. These negative emotions should not be an obstacle for learning. I should hence be more courageous. 

Leaving my hubs. (Uh. This part is for whining and complaining. )

Why do we have to travel 165km to meet each other. I have allowed myself to form a bond emotionally, driven by physical closeness mainly. Hence virtual closeness via video call and voice calls are insufficient to sooth my anxious self. I prefer physical presence very much. I am doing well at this moment though but I still prefer and long for it. 

Back to business. I need to be courageous. Learn. by all means. The rest are for the ill-willed. 

Stay positive like how I have always been. Focus on the positive. Minimise the negative. Be a safe doctor. Learn and be proactive. But be patient to myself. Not to forget, be kind - to myself and everyone around me.