random guts

You don't realise it until you go through it yourself.

I've never had such intense feelings for a long, long time. 

It's so apparent that I'm even surprised looking at myself.

Family always comes first. That's a very solid idea inculcated in our family since the time I learned to communicate. Family, family, and family, and then friends, and then everything else comes after that. 

Those long lost times when I used to have countless physical and verbal fights and arguments with my only brother seemed like yesterday. I always like to tell people around me how much I've fought with my brother when I was still bigger than he. Although I was always the one who had to bear all scoldings from mum, even though we were probably just fighting over tiny matters because we merely wanted to play, I am quite confident to say that I never took it personally. I am really glad that dad was the one who balanced out everything that probably bothered me a lot. As the eldest child in the family, it was a naturally accepted idea that I should bear the responsibility of taking care of the only younger brother, which apparently included his emotions. If he cried, it most likely meant I had not been doing a commendable job. So since young I have been learning to take up responsibilities. Well, dad played an important role. I used to think that mum did not like me enough because I never understood why I should be the one getting all the scoldings when both brother and I played together; he almost always ended up crying. Every day I thought I have done something very wrong and I should go to bed with guilt. Dad appeared like an angel. He was the one who explained to me why I got the scoldings and that it had nothing to do with how much or how little mum loved me. I had to believe in him. In fact, I think I did, even entirely, because it all made sense to me back then. My dad was really good at selling his ideas and making me believing in everything he said. 

One important statement that he used to always say before we said good night to each other and I was put to bed, was that I have only one brother, and when one day, dad and mum would be gone and I would only be left alone with brother; when the day comes he would be the only closest person to me. I remember that I listened to this every single day. No matter how little attention I paid to what was said, naturally like a seed this idea started growing in my mind. I never thought it would do any change to the relationship between brother and I. Over years, I realised that ideas do get 'planted' in our minds like seeds do and they actually grow bigger. I am a living proof that tiny ideas change people's thinking. What follows, everything else turns out different too.

That intense feeling thought, it sometimes turns out even better than what was thought to be brought about by love feelings between 2 souls with no blood relation. 

I'm truly grateful.