No it can't be worse

What is going on? It can't possibly be worse. What are my colleagues doing now? I too have 24 hours a day but I'm not productive at all. There is no sky and no clouds. I see no beam of light. No thing. I don't know what the heck I'm up to. 3 weeks, have I been dreaming? I certainly have been. I'm building sandcastles in the air, day and night.

I can' possibly be worse. I was the head girl in school just 4 years ago and I used to rule the worst kids in school. Now I'm so gone. I can't even speak in front of the crowd. No one is listening anymore. It can't be worse.

I feel like a head banger today. I know nothing in class. I feel like knocking my head on the wall literally. I'm feeling so tired. I have been pretending as if I'm a smart kid and I don't need studying. I've been lying to myself. I wonder why am I constantly waking up from my dreams from time to time. Am I awake even now? I can't be sure. 

Orthopaedics is the worst place I've been. I have never hated it though but there are too many things I want to learn. I take a 20-minute nap everyday before I start my readings. I will take out my books and things that I need to ponder on. No, but I never start. I flip open the pages. I never know where to begin. I used to love looking at x-rays so much but I don't know what I'm doing at school every day. Every hour Dad's paying 200 bucks for me at school but I'm burning them. What can be worse than feeling extremely useless of yourself.

I probably spent too much time looking at the sky and the clouds. They never can help me become a good medical student. They would never feed my mouth. I am dreaming, that is the only reason I can see. 

Can I have a lending hand. No, no one would help if I don't help myself. I have books and I have learning issues to find out. But no I'm not doing anything, not for the past 3 weeks. What can be worse than feeling guilty every night, not going to bed because you know you haven't done enough for the day?

Come on. I should stop feeling useless but first I must realize how much worse I can be before I start to thrive again. I can't survive if I continue to be weak. Stop thinking, just do it. 

F**ked.

No it can't be worse.