You don't have to be lonely when you are alone, even though when you're not.

The sun is scorching hot, and the heat doesn't subside even after the sun has set. It is 9 in the evening but 32 degrees Celsius and it feels like 42. My body is sticky and my elbows become sweaty because they are in contact with the study desk. I could smell heat. It has once taken away all my remaining energy but I just decided that I would live with it. So I switched off the air conditioner and I stopped showering multiple times in a day.  I feel the heat, and I acknowledge it. I do not run away from it anymore. I let my elbows be sweaty. and my body be sticky. I sit at the table, concentrating on what I am supposed to be doing. I forget about how unpleasant it is. Because I have chosen to live with it. 

I stay with 2 of my housemates who are my batchmates. I knew them since 2 years ago during orientation. We are friends and at times, we are so close that we do pillow talks. But at times we become silent and the bonds among us miniaturize. We don't talk when it is not necessary. We often do not talk face to face. We know the presence of one another. But there is so much of privacy that we do not keep track of what the other persons are doing. We mind our own work all the time. I have never had close friends whom I am not constantly attached to. I assume that we are real adults now. Adults mind only their business and the rests are less important. At times I feel lonely when we are under the same roof. But I have learned to live with it. So I'm starting to feel that I am not lonely, even though I am alone, when there are other people that I know of living in the same house. 

Sometimes I think that this is awkward and unacceptable. But I have kept everything within myself and I have tried to ignore it. I did it. But I still think that it is awkward. Sometimes, when there is too much individual space spared, I feel insecure. I am aware of the presence, but I feel that I still prefer a more lively living environment, with more laughter and connection. Which is why, I think, that I need a family that would live my life with me. I need a constant connection with a life.

Bottom line, I appreciate everything that happens in my life -- the people that I meet, the place that I live in and the system that shapes me.