The Pacinian corpuscle

People are snoring away in the room. I am enjoying solitude at one corner of the room under warm, fluffy yellow light. I'm filled with a little bit more of energy now, after weeks of almost not doing anything meaningful in particular besides adopting a homeless puppy (even that was dad's idea). Today, the first ever time I spoke to a homeless person. It was brief, and not even on a personal level, but that few minutes of conversation made me realise so much of where I should belong. Conversing comprises listening, and learning. It is therapeutic on its own - to both the patient, and the healer doctor. Once, I got lectured by a wise man, 'Why do you interrogate this man here? Why should he share with you his stories? You don't even care about where he sleeps at night.' 'How much do you know about him?' 'And you think you're really helping him, but not creating more troubles?' His voices echoed, and they never fade away even after cou...

I'm actually too tired to be barely able to say about anything now. I probably had an emotional turmoil earlier on. Well but when I thought about it, it was absolutely not because of the events that I went through a couple of hours before the day ended. It was something from within, which was pretty harsh and dreadful, and I was reminded of it today after a very long time. In fact, it feels like a  déjà vu, or rather, a  post-traumatic sort of thing. It feels like as if I was having a lot of flashbacks of feelings that I have long forgotten. Those were feelings that I had to frequently overcome in the past during the younger days when I tend to get caught up in nasty situations. They have come back to me now before I realise I was just better at avoiding difficult situations. I believe every thing happens for a reason. And for what I've seen and done today, even though some part of it was disgracing, I had a lot more gratitude. That's probably what I've been seeki...

Now I'm sitting at the passenger seat of a 4WD. Listening to my parents' pre-vacation arguments (which almost always happened), I came to a conclusion. 1. People who do not change for betterment do not usually move on with life. By saying so, it simply means they continue to suffer from anger and many more emotional disturbances from within. At the same time, these people also inflict psychological pain to the surrounding people. I believe in karma. Some people think that believing so is an excuse for people who cannot change things around them. Because we can't take active steps to avoid conflicts, we are forced to take it as something that has a low chance of changing. In other words, we want to comfort our hurt souls that it's not our fault that things do not work the way we want. 2. I am most likely not getting married if I do not meet a person who is capable of maintaining meaningful, two-way conversations. Communication is the basis of everything. I believe ...

It's one of the rare days that I decided to stay up late and write. Owh, just less than a couple of hours ago it was my birthday. And I have to say it was one of the best. I'm brought up in a family that sees birthday celebrations as a formality. Since my dad, my brother and I share pretty close birthdates, we are used to celebrating our birthdays together. To us it's no more than just a means for family reunion. So we tend to keep it simple. I was always taught that on birthdays I should be counting blessings. I should also be reminding myself of how well of the roles in life that I've been performing all the while and I should be reflecting on myself of the past. Most of all, I should feel gratitude to people around me who have shaped me in good ways. I've never asked for more on birthdays because to me, it probably has always been just no more than a formality and a labeled date. Ever since I've started attending school, I started to realise that people exc...

今天獨自駕車南下，從下午到太陽西下，一路上我完全沒有睡意，頭腦卻思緒紊亂，很是無奈。到了弟弟住的地方，我一個人拎著行李從泊車的地方走到電梯那一塊。在夜裡行走，我習慣抬頭，竟讓我看見一片星空。這景象在烏煙瘴氣的大城市裡甚是鮮有。一路走著，我突然有“重新活過來”的感覺。才發現每每到了吉隆坡，我便會有這種感覺。很奇妙，也不大真實。重新活過來的感覺，主要源自於生活步伐的改變。在南北大道上，從打巴到美羅，過了萬繞進入雙溪毛糯過後，車量變多，大家的車速也會跟著變很快，密密麻麻，精神抖擻。到了市區的地方，每個人好像走路變很快，眉間的皺紋明顯，神情凝重，心情好像很緊繃的樣子。看來大家是忙了一整天後拖著疲倦的身體正要回家吧。自然而然我也跟著大夥忙活起來，走路的步伐變快了，表情變得有些嚴肅了，說話也常用英文。是這些嗎？讓人感覺“我活著有明確的目標，而我無時無刻正在奮鬥，不斷往目標前進。所以我走路變快，駕車也變快了，因為要處理的事情還有很多”，比起小城市裡大家一笑而過的芝麻綠豆，我更喜歡在匆忙的環境裡。是這樣嗎？沈醉在讓自己以為在奮鬥的那種感覺。 快到電梯之際，我卻突然失落起來。竟好像有點想家。在家住了2，3個禮拜，養出了公主病。哀哉，難怪在嘆息。可能因為鮮少回家，回到家裡家務什麼的好像完全不用幫忙也可以。想出去找朋友便有加好油的車子。就是自己的車子也不用洗了。狗狗我也不用替他洗刷沖涼，只是平日裡叫他三兩聲逗他玩玩便行。廚房一大堆東西，要什麼有什麼。在家基本上不會有開銷，好像人家抽到頭獎免費住別墅還有傭人服侍一樣。到了跟朋友外出的時候便會有零用錢，好像古代的人立了功太后賞賜什麼一樣。這樣一來，現實生活過於美滿，讓人自滿了，再大的人生目標好像也變得無足掛齒了。哀哉，其實內心也會不爽，因為還好我還有剩餘的一點良心。是內疚感讓人覺得有什麼不妥。再這樣下去，我會成為爛泥。 快畢業了，是我嗎？那塊爛泥要畢業了。 好像還沒有進入狀況。什麼人來給我蓋兩巴掌。 我就是一直沈醉在自己的世界裡。泡杯茶，手裡捧著一本書籍，想像著作者怎麼跟義大利小鮮肉在沒有名的街道上搞曖昧來著。脫離現實生活，這樣盡情漫遊在人家的人生裡。這樣好嗎。

It's funny  a miracle how friendship between two people manage to stay for a very long time. Things evolve from time to time. People do too. This is especially when two people are far apart, the experiences that each person faced changes the way one thinks, leading to a change in attitudes and behaviours. People learn new things all the time and the way they speak and deal with things might not be the same as how it was anymore. Some friendships start to fade when they are sustained by merely past memories and shared experiences with a deviation in prioritisation in life. The closeness between two persons is not a predictor of how long a relationship would last. If only there are new, shared experiences and common interests, the friendship would last. It is really difficult for that to happen. Because unlike a love relationship, often friendships do not involve much responsibilities, expectations, and maybe, even commitments. I've come to a conclusion that this is because of a ...

在過去的數個星期內我感覺自己一直在移動。從搬家離開居鑾回到怡保，然後回到芙蓉備考一個多星期，到考試，然後完畢後又來回吉隆坡，而今天考試成績出爐了。我，通過了。在短時間內發生很多變化經歷很多事物有了很多新的體驗讓我時而失去時間感。就像今天一早，朱小姐和我一起吃了早餐，然後駕著車子到了芙蓉等待成績出爐。一路上我的情緒極為平穩。我好像只是跟隨著時間，讓該發生的事情一樣一樣呈現在眼前。我只是知道，我通過了作為醫學系學生的最後一次考試。而從那一刻起，我不再是醫學系學生了。我的名字前面加了DR兩個英文字母。這幾天以來，和以往不一樣的是我極度缺乏實在感的心態。潛意識中我知道自己即將畢業了。我要成為一名醫生了。可是另一方面我卻知道我還有太多作為一名醫生該懂卻還不懂得的事情。因為這樣，在念宣誓詞的當兒，我的心思有好幾度失去焦點。我嘴巴在動，其實並沒有專心在念詞。我在想，5年的‘苦讀’換來的經驗與知識，對於6個月後即將開工的自己真的夠用嗎？一方面我有點擔心，另一方面因為順利通過考試了，我也極度欣悅。其實在等待成績分發的時候，我一直在內心禱告，好希望身邊的朋友們都一起通過考試。有些片刻我曾想像假如我不幸沒有通過考試，要讓我重新回到居鑾卻再也遇不到同樣的朋友，那我的半年該是多麼讓人痛心疾首呢？大家都很幸運，通過了。有的還感動得淚流滿面，讓人哭笑不得。 好了，今天玩了一整天。眼睛很累，身體疲倦。有什麼細小心思，帶改日再續吧。