The Pacinian corpuscle

在我还没开始眯书之前，好想把一些小小片段记载下来。 ***************************************************************** 《疼痛》 今天第一次穿了妈妈给我的黑色达芙妮 楔形鞋，才发现原来女人为了美，真的需要承受痛苦。早上我就一直祈祷这双鞋子可以让我挨到下午回家。从学校的停车场走到4楼图书馆放下书包，再从学校走到3楼病房的距离在平时而言是无足挂齿的。可是今天早上，我必须屏住气，还要脸上挂着自信的神采，一步一步地使劲走。我觉得自己就像当年的汉族女子，因为骄子坏了而必须以三寸金莲徒步行走。啊，我说，这是何苦呢。 可是我好喜欢那双鞋子。可我不是为了美丽宁愿忍痛的个性啊。 《黏黏的热》 今天的天气真的好热好热。早上发生的事情太多了，记不住了，只知道在病房里我汗流浃背。我看着有些病人躺在床上，敞开衣裳也都在流汗。我穿着棉质半袖有领子的衣服，外加挂满笔记本子、钢笔、名牌及诊听器的白袍和黑色紧身长裤。突然还真有股冲动想脱下衣服呢。芙蓉的太阳啊，你就不能大发点慈悲吗。早上8点钟我的背部已经都湿漉漉的了，你说我一整天下来，能好受吗？反正今天一直到回家我自感觉浑身黏黏的。

亲爱的，你解脱了吗？ 我是一个对自己的情感极为敏感的人，所以也比较在乎当下的感受。可有件事我总是不明白。 首先，我的潜意识喜欢把自己的情感归类。简单来说，如果我用数字代表我的情感指数，2是快乐，0是伤感，而1便是快乐与伤感的平衡点。我也觉得我的情绪的波动可以用一个简单的波浪图来诠释。我还记得以前学微积分的时候，我总是对dy/dx的含义很感兴趣，因为我会不由自主地把它跟我的情绪相提并论。在一个简单的图形里，当dy/dx=0，那便是一个图形的最高峰或最低点。这时，我会联想到自己的情感处于最快乐或最伤心。图形是动态的，因此情感的东西也一样，一直在发生变化。这意味着，当你处于图形的最高峰，你即将面临的是走下坡的命运。相同的，当你在面对生命里最糟糕的事情，你不必担心，因为图形显示，你无法再走下坡，你只能走向更美好的境界。 我不知道这个理论在别人的生命里管不管用，可是活了这么久，我的“情感图形”总是像波浪图般，所以我觉得这是极合逻辑的。 那件让人费解的事情呢。 我总觉得当我处于情绪最高峰的时候，我知道我即将失去快乐，所以会有一段时间觉得有点可悲，因为知道快乐的时刻快要过去了。再过不久，我会陷入“伤感期”。我知道这时我开始“走下坡”。一直到我抵达平衡线时，我的情绪才得以中和。问题是，我觉得当我处于的峰顶越高，我接下来的可悲指数便会越高。这是我不明白的地方。因为假设我一直处于图形的平衡线上，我不会觉得特别开心，也不会被任何伤感的事情影响。所以我在想，如果我允许生命出现很多的高峰，那痛苦会不会也更多？我一直在想，会不会有一天我的高峰不会走下坡，却只会一直一直往上爬？如果能有这样的事情，我宁愿自己永远达不到最高峰，也不愿因为到了峰顶，而需要承受接下来的痛苦。 雨后疲累的精神总喜欢想一些稀奇古怪的东西。虽然如此，我从不觉得自己在胡说八道。 对了，今天我好像解脱了！ 怎么说呢，之前我不是一度觉得自己是傻瓜吗。 今天我徒步走上三楼病房的时候，我有了一些想法。 我觉得也许我真的想错了。也许那个人真的还没出现。也许那个人还在迷路当中。可是我从来不质疑自己的第六感。我觉得在这错误的当中，肯定有些部分是确实存在过的。也许因为某些原因，有些事情并没有如愿以偿。 那我错过了吗？ 也许，也也许不。因为我相信如果你是那个人，我的想法不会变成一个错误。我也或许不会从高峰...

天下着绵绵细雨 心流着滚烫热血 精神何在 我迈出家门 呼气吸气 闭眼睁眼 视觉虽模糊 却脑袋清晰 我说 我喜欢这样的感觉 家外园林一颗大树上 赤色鸟儿在哼着调儿 我想 他是不是在找寻伴侣呢 不由自主 我也嘴里哼起歌儿 只是歌词反复无常 我想 是不是想说的话 数不胜数 却有口难言 “我是 什么 傻瓜… 什么 傻瓜 是我… 我是 傻瓜 是吗… 傻瓜 是我……” “一个 人在 开心 好久… 一个 人在 伤心 好久…” “啊… 你是 什么 傻瓜 什么 傻瓜 开心 好久 伤心 更加 地久…” 伴着雨滴声 傻瓜望着天 嘴里哼着词 呆了好久 然后 终于决定 吸气呼气 闭眼睁眼 才发现 原来 明天可以更加美好

I'm most probably feeling rather down today. My feelings are complicated and no one word could explain it. And I can't be sure of the etiology. I have been going to bed with a bad headache or dizziness. I have been waking up with tired eyes. I have been feeling too sleepy everyday after lunch. I have been dozing off in the class so much that I can't remember what exactly I have learnt. I have been too unaware of what I am doing. All in all, I am feeling tired most of the time. The 3rd week of surgery posting has just called for an end but I can't recall what I have done. This week time has passed too fast. And I don't like it when I am not aware of the time. I sat in the toilet for 10 minutes. Thunders were roaring and I could hear squeaking sounds of strong winds blowing. I closed my eyes for some time and I could only recall shattered pieces of memories for the past one week. What have I been doing? All that I could remember was that I started the ...

I liked it too much when Dr.V tapped on my shoulder. He was almost one foot taller than I. And he wanted to talk to me, though it was just for a while, so we walked a distance of a cubicle while he asked me about what I talked to one patient. He nodded. My heart blossomed. I wonder if he was impressed. He inspired me. When one patient told me that he appreciated this doctor a lot. He liked the way this doctor talked to him and the patient thought every doctor should talk to all patients in this manner. I want things like these to happen every single day. I want to feel inspired and I want to inspire one day. I want to feel good and I want to make everyone around me feel good for the things that I do. I want my patients to feel better. I want them to share with me their precious stories and I don't want them to regret for not talking to me. My heart blossomed every time when I thought of how Dr.V tapped on my shoulder and talked to me. I wonder if more doctors do that to u...

Today was long and tiring. I thought I slept well the night before but I woke up with a headache. I thought I wouldn't survive till CSSC which lasted for almost 3 hours. But I did. Maybe it's all because of the lecturer who did a great job entertaining me. Or maybe it's because of you, who were sitting right next to me. I thought some little bursts of adrenaline helped a lot. I didn't turn to see you at all - not even once.  But I think we were sitting really close to each other. I didn't see your face. But I peeped and saw your thighs crossed over to each other. We had zero communication. But I was too certain and aware that you were there. That's why I survive well throughout the session. I forgot that I was having a headache as well. And then after class I waved good-bye to you. I think I hopped down the stairs when I would normally use the elevator. I had a great day. I appreciate little things that happen to me in my daily life. They don't have ...

Oh and by the way, I looked at your lips today. I think they were sexy. I was looking for pimples/scars from healed pimples on your face too. I couldn't find any. I wonder why you could have such good complexion. I used to think that I was in love whenever I saw you. But now you are the one who is constantly reminding me that I am single and very independent. I was able to focus well in my work now, even when you are just an inch away from me. Maybe I have taken it for granted or maybe I am aware enough the fact that you are just but my another ward mate and we might just be only-friends after all. I am not sad but maybe this has just proven that it is not time yet. Some people said that we will only be able to fall in love when we understand about ourselves better. I guess this might be right. Sometimes I don't know who I am. Maybe I should learn to be a more confident me. I'm still in search of myself. But then on the other hand, I still enjoying being aware of y...