and then I don't know what is going to happen

It's come to the time when I sit quietly with myself, and begin to ponder, look back at things that have happened and anticipate. Now I am feeling so strong that I am losing something constantly. Things that I used to be good at, things that I used to be so confident with. Simple things like being able to have control over my life, being able to mix with anyone and talk and chat and do whatever I like, and follow my heart and my feelings and even as little as writing. I realized I can't do it well anymore. I am losing a lot in life. 

I become so much more conscious about the people around me. The good ones and especially the not so good ones. I have started to blame and argue, about the people that I don't like so much and things that I don't quite like to see... but most of the time nothing changes and I only become worse. I am in the final year now. But instead of earning more things in life by studying and learning to become a doctor, I feel that I am losing more now and things have started to go out of control.

I am scared. 

It is not quite the right word to use here because my complex emotions cannot be expressed with my limited abilty to compose in English, a language that I thought I mastered. I stopped reading and stopped being aware of the things that happened around me. I only know that I am going to sit for a major exam that will secure my progress to the final semester before I graduate and become a doctor.

Why did I want to become a doctor? I thought I wanted to safe people. Well, no normal people want to harm people, so in other words, people would want to safe people if they have the ability to do so. But I thought I wanted more than that. I can't remember what are those other things that became the collective reasons for me to make this decision. That was more than 4 years ago; or maybe more. 

Speaking of being wanting to be 'focused' in preparation of the coming exams, I have not been doing very well either. I don't do things effectively. I come home feeling tired, and then I don't do a lot of studying. I always blame that I am anemic, which is the reason why I am always feeling so tired. But I think maybe it is because I do not have perseverance. Maybe it is because I lack of faith. I don't believe in god, I don't even believe in myself. I am so spiritually unhealthy. Maybe I do not have things to rely on in need. But I always think that I have my parents. I eventually become closer with them but things never seem to change. 

A rare occasion today after such a long time, I spent some time with my -known-uni-bestfriend- having dinner. I opened up some parts of myself to her and then she did too. I realized I am so unsure of so many things. I can't even be sure who to trust fully in life. Well I have to clarify that this totally has nothing to do with my bestfriend-being-mentioned here. It is just the way I have been treating people around me. My dad used to always tell me that I should treat people the way I want to be treated. Apparently I have not been doing very well on that. I kind of become overly protective against many factors around me. People not being faithful, genuine and honest. I am pretty sensitive to these things. Once it happens to me I will be conscious about the person and I can't help to be genuinely nice to he or she anymore. These have happened so many times that now I can't be sure anymore who I should fully trust anymore and become genuinely close with. 

Life's become so dull now.

My downstairs housemate has changed a lot. She stays in the library to study till late night every day and on the other hand I thought I had to come home to take a short nap before I could start studying but what always happened was I tend to wake up late and then feel guilty over it and then I would be somehow be distracted by some things around me and eventually I will end up not doing enough for the day before I need to hit the bed again. It happens every day, repeatedly. And I am feeling suffocated already.

Two months or less to go. February. Some people are so confident about themselves. I don't know how they manage to do so. I used to be confident. Not anymore now. I am so unsure about myself now sometimes when I read and read and then I can't even remember what I read in the first page: I always have a slip of mind that I could be having a little thrombosis in one of the capillaries in my temporal lobe. I have problems retaining information. Worse still, I can't recall things. 

I just want to be a good and safe doctor. I don't need to be a popular doctor, or a rich doctor. I want to have control over my life. I am so much longing to be a competent doctor. I hate it when I am bad at things, and that I am so lacking in confidence in things that I learnt. 

I want to become better.

I have to work hard. 

Is it too late to say this? Why am I refusing to study for exams? 

Why am I always tired?