I want to take Marijuana, to slow down time.

I felt like I have bungee jumped. and then the rope was hanging. Me, onto the rope. No one is picking me up. 

The above repeats again and again.

Hi all. Yes I don't know who I am speaking too. If you happen to be reading my blog, I just want to let you know that yes I have just started by Semester 8 Day 2 of Paediatrics Posting. I was eating at the cafeteria today and then I saw many new faces. Recalling that someone was mentioning orientation briefing was going on for the Sem6s. Oh yea so they are the newcomers, the Semester 6s. And then I thought, where are the Semester 7s? Oh I was the Sem7s just days ago. Oh no I think I made a mistake. But no, the fact that I still haven't completely accepted it that I am now in Semester 8. It sounded as such a long way to go to reach Sem8 when I first stepped into the clinical school. Time fled. And it is scary. Now I understand better why my acne never stops growing. I am under stress, perhaps all the time.

I haven't blogged for many days. Guess what. It's not entirely because I had no free time.Well it is one of the reasons that it's true I never have free time unless I put it in my schedule. But I thought the main reason is that I did not want to face myself. This is such a bad thing to have finally happened to me. Years ago I thought one day when I stopped visiting my own writings it could be because I no longer love myself. How true it can be. I never become as aware of myself anymore in the last couple of weeks. I thought writing to myself is kind of a mere waste of time, forgetting the fact that if I do nt write, I do not think for myself. When I do not think enough, I lost track of my life. I become a lifeless shell. 

Life is tough. Yes it is. My brother says he wants to do medicine too. How I wished he could change his mind. But my mom says it is not the matter of what you choose to do, instead it is what you choose not to give up on. I made this promise to myself that I would not give up on what I have chosen no matter how hard it can be. Everyday I sleep not when I feel tired. It is but when I can no longer open my eyes and see things clearly. There are so much more that I should be doing. I am so far away from my ideal self. I am suffocating when I think about it. 

I need a release. Like being on a bungee jump with a torn rope.

I need a release not to stop doing what I am supposed to like/enjoy doing. Because that would not change the sufferings. I need a release on the way I think for myself. 

My passion has long dead. I can still vaguely recall the moments I had so much fun in medicine, but those were times when I have yet to worry about my future practicing as a doctor who can save and kill lives at the same time. I hope I find the way soon. Because I want to be a safe doctor, not a good doctor anymore.

Long Live Medicine.

You can do it.
I know right now all that I need is loads and loads of courage. Because courage builds energy. Someone please hug me and give me energizer kisses, can? 

As the saying quoted from one of my best colleagues at school,

#sleepisfortheweak