Do you ever need to learn to fall in love?
How do I fall in love? How did I? 8 years ago, I fell in love without effort. That was puppy love but I fell in love and I fell in love like nobody else's business. I could see nothing but the 2 of us and everything that happened within us. I had the most exciting, memorable and challenging time of the entire schooling life.That's the only thing I could remember. I could not recall feeling stressful. I did not think it was scary. And I could only imagine my teeth rotting because every day life was like eating cotton candies and nothing else. But now, after almost a decade, how do I fall in love? I'm not sure anymore. I find it hard to fall in love.
I once wished so hard that I would fall in love one day. I'd been waiting so patiently for that day to come when finally a person sees me and that I'd not be worried of dying alone. But I forgot about something more important. I'm such a person who is so self-centered, perhaps so much so that I'd see no one except myself and only my life, and I only longed for love from a person without realizing a love relationship is a two-way process. I've missed out the most important thing which is to first appreciate the person who sees me. I find it difficult.
I thought I wasn't prepared for a relationship. But no, I was wrong. I was prepared. I thought I am so open to choices and surprises. I believe I've changed a lot over the years. I became so much more outgoing, and I always take the initiative to talk to people and establish new networks. But yet I wasn't ready to fall in love. I've never remembered that to fall in love is so much harder than to be loved. They are probably two different entity after all. I find it difficult to get to know a stranger from scratch, then learn to appreciate the person and try to fall in love with the person. I don't know how it works in a love relationship because I don't fall in love easily. It takes me for ever to fall in love with a person because I somewhat only share my life to a person that I'm already deeply in love with. Hence, there is a high chance that I'd for ever be only friends with people around me, no matter how much they have done to impress me. To appreciate is somewhat harder to be appreciated.
I can't force myself to appreciate a person from scratch. I don't know the person. And for me, it takes a much longer time before I allow myself to place trust in a person fully. Maybe I'm over-protective. Maybe I don' t know how it works. Sometimes I wonder if people ever give in so that they fall in love more easily? These days I have been pondering on my own feelings. Every time when I'm at doubt I ask myself: Am I in love? Is this even love? And then there's always no answer to it. This tells me that I'm not in love. Sometimes it's scary. I don't know what will happen next. I don't like unpredictability. But that's what happens in a relationship right.
For so many years I'm coping with life with myself. I've learnt to be such an independent lady. I've learnt to savour every moment when I'm on my own. I've learnt the utmost happiness and satisfaction that I got when I'm on me-time. I've got used to life in my ways that it now becomes hard to change even a simple task such as sharing my dinner time with a person.
Maybe it's still not time yet. Maybe it's not what I'm looking for. Maybe there's still something more important in my life than to ponder on these feelings. But things got too real it seems scary at times. Hence I have to acknowledge them and make sure I move on with life at my pace.
I just realized how difficult it can be for me to share my time with a stranger. It is perhaps sad to regard this person as a stranger. To be specific, this person is a friend who has such a great intention to share lots of joy and company with me, and probably to show great appreciation to me which unfortunately is taking a lot of time and effort for me to do the same. Therefore the reason I regard this person as a stranger of my life is because I truly am not certain with my feelings and these unpredictability makes me feel so insecure and unsure of the person.
PS.
I'm at Day3 of Psychiatry. I love the posting. I want to know what is going on in the minds of the people in green. I might be over ambitious. I know nothing but that I need to read and read and read until I get a clue of what is going on.
Some things are reminding me that there are more important things than to feeling suffocated or uncertain with life. I shall imagine that I'm a free floating boat and that I shall follow the flow of the stream. I will free my minds.
I once wished so hard that I would fall in love one day. I'd been waiting so patiently for that day to come when finally a person sees me and that I'd not be worried of dying alone. But I forgot about something more important. I'm such a person who is so self-centered, perhaps so much so that I'd see no one except myself and only my life, and I only longed for love from a person without realizing a love relationship is a two-way process. I've missed out the most important thing which is to first appreciate the person who sees me. I find it difficult.
I thought I wasn't prepared for a relationship. But no, I was wrong. I was prepared. I thought I am so open to choices and surprises. I believe I've changed a lot over the years. I became so much more outgoing, and I always take the initiative to talk to people and establish new networks. But yet I wasn't ready to fall in love. I've never remembered that to fall in love is so much harder than to be loved. They are probably two different entity after all. I find it difficult to get to know a stranger from scratch, then learn to appreciate the person and try to fall in love with the person. I don't know how it works in a love relationship because I don't fall in love easily. It takes me for ever to fall in love with a person because I somewhat only share my life to a person that I'm already deeply in love with. Hence, there is a high chance that I'd for ever be only friends with people around me, no matter how much they have done to impress me. To appreciate is somewhat harder to be appreciated.
I can't force myself to appreciate a person from scratch. I don't know the person. And for me, it takes a much longer time before I allow myself to place trust in a person fully. Maybe I'm over-protective. Maybe I don' t know how it works. Sometimes I wonder if people ever give in so that they fall in love more easily? These days I have been pondering on my own feelings. Every time when I'm at doubt I ask myself: Am I in love? Is this even love? And then there's always no answer to it. This tells me that I'm not in love. Sometimes it's scary. I don't know what will happen next. I don't like unpredictability. But that's what happens in a relationship right.
For so many years I'm coping with life with myself. I've learnt to be such an independent lady. I've learnt to savour every moment when I'm on my own. I've learnt the utmost happiness and satisfaction that I got when I'm on me-time. I've got used to life in my ways that it now becomes hard to change even a simple task such as sharing my dinner time with a person.
Maybe it's still not time yet. Maybe it's not what I'm looking for. Maybe there's still something more important in my life than to ponder on these feelings. But things got too real it seems scary at times. Hence I have to acknowledge them and make sure I move on with life at my pace.
I just realized how difficult it can be for me to share my time with a stranger. It is perhaps sad to regard this person as a stranger. To be specific, this person is a friend who has such a great intention to share lots of joy and company with me, and probably to show great appreciation to me which unfortunately is taking a lot of time and effort for me to do the same. Therefore the reason I regard this person as a stranger of my life is because I truly am not certain with my feelings and these unpredictability makes me feel so insecure and unsure of the person.
PS.
I'm at Day3 of Psychiatry. I love the posting. I want to know what is going on in the minds of the people in green. I might be over ambitious. I know nothing but that I need to read and read and read until I get a clue of what is going on.
Some things are reminding me that there are more important things than to feeling suffocated or uncertain with life. I shall imagine that I'm a free floating boat and that I shall follow the flow of the stream. I will free my minds.
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