The Pacinian corpuscle

很庆幸我还有一群朋友，可以在毕业后这段看似无所事事的日子里相聚。除了干些嬉水玩乐这些好景不长的事之余，我们还可以坐下来畅谈过去与未来。有说有笑，还有分担对于未来的惆怅与忧虑。未来好渺茫。5年前的今天当我决定要走这条路时我没有任何畏惧，却只有坚决的勇气。我只有一直告诉自己这是我自己选择的一条可能很艰难却不会让我后悔的道路。眨眼间5年过去了，我毕业了。别的系毕业的同学们毕业后都开始忙着找工应聘，念我这行的却怎么也没想到在担忧接下来该怎么善用一段很长的时光。我是准医学系大学毕业生。我好想好想快点回到社会去服务。我好担心在接下来的日子里我会忘了助人为快乐之本，我会忘了初衷，忘了治疗患者带来的满足感。在过去2个月里我并没有认真计划该怎么善用时间。我感觉空虚。这让我发现我的许多信心，快乐与对于未来的向往其实大多建立在我能力范围内处理的跟医学有关的课业。未来很迷惘。我真的不知道我有没有在做最正确的决定。我不知道5年后的自己会在哪里。我更不知道5年后的自己会不会有能力过着自己想要的那种生活。 眼睛好酸， 再续。

This is probably one of the most unacceptable things that I'd ever allowed to happen. 至不需要用避孕套的男生 我好像得重新考慮要不要繼續跟你做朋友了。這樣說可能把我說成很膚淺的人，可是你讓我看見了自己本來模糊的底線。對於我接下來要說的事情，對別人而言可能是無足掛齒的事情，可是對我來說是挺重要的一件事。從來我把男生和女生區分開來最重要的一點是，男生必須具有一定的紳士風度。一個男生有沒有風度同時也表現了他的氣度。氣度概括了氣概和度量，一個有風度的男生通常也會是有氣度的人。（女生當然也應該要有一定的氣度。）比如男生為女生開門，讓女生走在前面或是替女生拎東西這種芝麻綠豆其實真的不足以表現出一個男生的風度。紳士風度這素質與2個人之間熟稔的程度，年齡，職位，性別，甚至性取向不應該有任何關係。反則，兩個愈是要好的朋友無論是男是女，對方的感受一定不可以被忽略。很多小事不可以被看成是理所當然的事情。這樣的話，這份友誼才會長久，才會健康。 我不曾介意每次大老遠地去找你吃飯，還要送你回到家。每次有這樣的事情我從不多想這樣做值不值得，因為我自認我們的友誼沒有建立在任何條件上。如果我打從開始便諸多考量計較，那麼這份友誼可能不再單純了。那麼我們在很久以前便不再是朋友了。說實在的，我一直很珍惜可以跟我搭得上話，說話又不需要顧慮太多的朋友。人的一生裡遇到這樣頻率相近的摯友實在難得，可是人總有底線。我曾經很努力地說服自己不把你當男生看，這樣的話我就不會因為你不具備什麼基本紳士風度而覺得不舒適。可是後來我發現我愈是在乎的人會讓我愈上心，後果是，這等人讓我沮喪的時候也愈多。這種自相矛盾一點也不好受。後來我又說服自己也許紳士風度只是我自己的諸多要求，可是過不久我發現其實你不僅沒有紳士風度，你還缺了人最起碼得有的禮儀，更談不上什麼氣度了。 可是我為什麼容許身邊有這等朋友呢。是不是我倆太熟稔了？我卻覺得這只是一種藉口。2個再要好的朋友如果做不好本分這樣的友誼太沒意思了。 我不喜歡憑條件選朋友，這種事情缺誠心。可是我沒辦法為了你讓自己不當女生。一個男生如果連最基本的對待女生的態度都缺的話，對我來說，這個人不能被稱得上是男生。就算我不把你當男生看，我覺得最起碼你必須把我當女生來看待。人與人之間的禮尚往來...

沒有太多眷戀。 本來以為很隆重的場面其實很簡單快速地，三兩個小時便告一段落。參加畢業典禮我本是帶著一種分外輕鬆沒有眷顧的心情，“我終於穿上畢業袍了”，“讓爸媽看看我的校園，還有見見跟我一起學習5年的同學朋友” ,僅此而已。校園內外大夥兒穿上畢業袍熱鬧的氛圍讓人不禁喜出望外。為了畢業典禮我還必須勞煩家裡二老坐2個多小時的車程來到這裡，心理難免有些過意不去可是又因為我自覺這是一生人唯一一次的盛大典禮所以大家應該跟我一起同喜慶。抱著這個心態讓我一只感覺自己在自作多情。本來就沒什麼大不了，只是要配合各種氛圍，心情變得很好。可是除了媽媽家裏的人好像都沒這麼認為。畢業禮真的只是一種形式嗎。有點無奈。我堅持出席畢業禮因爲我相信借助這個機會我可以正式為過去5年的生活模式劃上句點。 重新出發。 其實一切圓滿結束很久了。畢業禮這個只是形式上的只是讓不捨得過去又對未來沒什麼信心的人一次放下過去展望未來的機會。“一大早就已經為過去劃上句點了。”還有什麼不捨那都是慵懶的表現。只是懶惰踏出去。以為家裡條件讓大家不需要出外工作。可是又不比別人更渴望未來，沒有很大希望，沒有很想完成的事情，只想讓時間停頓片刻，讓我躺在哪裡一動不動一直冬眠下去。話說這個片刻過了2個月了，我還處在冬眠狀態。怎麼辦這個太不像自己了。 是我長大了嗎。 “比起跟家人在一起，跟朋友一起比較沒有約束所以很輕鬆。”這種說法從來沒有在我的生活裡實踐過可是近來鮮少回家讓我開始習慣了並且愛上了那種沒有約束又讓人覺得很有自主權的自由生活模式。感覺上我才是生命的主人。這份歸屬感一直被我美化放大因為它是我踏出下一步很重要的前提條件。 大家好像都長大了。5年前坐在同樣的地方，心境卻完全不一樣。雖然不簡單，可是要說“一眨眼便過去”的這種話，其實不會太誇張。獨自回家路上，天氣晴朗，手裡捧著挺重的花束，腳踩在凹凸不平的柏油路上，覺得有些疼痛。心裡想著以後可以沒有美麗的包包可是一定不可以缺一雙走起路來讓我很自信的一雙很舒服的鞋子。 還要為過去好好做個總結。這樣才不會留下什麼遺憾。

People are snoring away in the room. I am enjoying solitude at one corner of the room under warm, fluffy yellow light. I'm filled with a little bit more of energy now, after weeks of almost not doing anything meaningful in particular besides adopting a homeless puppy (even that was dad's idea). Today, the first ever time I spoke to a homeless person. It was brief, and not even on a personal level, but that few minutes of conversation made me realise so much of where I should belong. Conversing comprises listening, and learning. It is therapeutic on its own - to both the patient, and the healer doctor. Once, I got lectured by a wise man, 'Why do you interrogate this man here? Why should he share with you his stories? You don't even care about where he sleeps at night.' 'How much do you know about him?' 'And you think you're really helping him, but not creating more troubles?' His voices echoed, and they never fade away even after cou...

I'm actually too tired to be barely able to say about anything now. I probably had an emotional turmoil earlier on. Well but when I thought about it, it was absolutely not because of the events that I went through a couple of hours before the day ended. It was something from within, which was pretty harsh and dreadful, and I was reminded of it today after a very long time. In fact, it feels like a  déjà vu, or rather, a  post-traumatic sort of thing. It feels like as if I was having a lot of flashbacks of feelings that I have long forgotten. Those were feelings that I had to frequently overcome in the past during the younger days when I tend to get caught up in nasty situations. They have come back to me now before I realise I was just better at avoiding difficult situations. I believe every thing happens for a reason. And for what I've seen and done today, even though some part of it was disgracing, I had a lot more gratitude. That's probably what I've been seeki...

Now I'm sitting at the passenger seat of a 4WD. Listening to my parents' pre-vacation arguments (which almost always happened), I came to a conclusion. 1. People who do not change for betterment do not usually move on with life. By saying so, it simply means they continue to suffer from anger and many more emotional disturbances from within. At the same time, these people also inflict psychological pain to the surrounding people. I believe in karma. Some people think that believing so is an excuse for people who cannot change things around them. Because we can't take active steps to avoid conflicts, we are forced to take it as something that has a low chance of changing. In other words, we want to comfort our hurt souls that it's not our fault that things do not work the way we want. 2. I am most likely not getting married if I do not meet a person who is capable of maintaining meaningful, two-way conversations. Communication is the basis of everything. I believe ...

It's one of the rare days that I decided to stay up late and write. Owh, just less than a couple of hours ago it was my birthday. And I have to say it was one of the best. I'm brought up in a family that sees birthday celebrations as a formality. Since my dad, my brother and I share pretty close birthdates, we are used to celebrating our birthdays together. To us it's no more than just a means for family reunion. So we tend to keep it simple. I was always taught that on birthdays I should be counting blessings. I should also be reminding myself of how well of the roles in life that I've been performing all the while and I should be reflecting on myself of the past. Most of all, I should feel gratitude to people around me who have shaped me in good ways. I've never asked for more on birthdays because to me, it probably has always been just no more than a formality and a labeled date. Ever since I've started attending school, I started to realise that people exc...