The Pacinian corpuscle

#Last 3 weeks in BJ campus So, what should I do now? There are tonnes of work that I think I should do but none is being done.  Study break has started but I am too looking forward to starting the next semester in Seremban that I don't think I have been putting enough focus on what I should do.  I think I have been too easily distracted -- by stories around me, and by the impossibilities that would most probably not happen on me.  And now finally I think I should sit down, calm myself down, and start thinking about myself more.  It's the final exam that I will take before I leave Phase I, which means I cannot afford to fail it too. Now I have 2 weeks and 6 days left, I have to plan every single thing properly, like how I did for the past exams, with no failure.  Stay firm. I should not be distracted by any form of emotional activities. Be it regarding me or anyone around me, even my very best friend. Although I do not have one at the moment,...

You know that you need an exclusive moment for yourself when you don't like your feelings and when you are sure that what is going on is not what you like to see. Right now this feeling is private and it should only be within yourself. Sometimes, you don't even want to open it up to your own self. That is how private it is to me. It's been a while since I last had this terrible feeling of disliking someone who I used to get along pretty well. Maybe I was lucky enough that I don't have to go through all these emotions again. Well, maybe a third party might think that it is after all my problem of being to sensitive to things that happen around me. They are meant to be good things that bring happiness but somewhat or somehow, especially when I react slower than others, my mind tend to take a longer time to accept the sudden changes. It is morally impolite to mention this here as it might cause tragedy if it went public. So I shall just focus on me - My thoughts, and h...

For some time I think I have been a little passive in the ways I think of myself in life. So many questions that came to my mind subsided. Maybe it's because there are more important things to figure out at the moment; maybe I was distracted by more interesting topics. I have been doing a variety of things in my last semester in Bukit Jalil. From the beginning, I had a Selective module over a period of 3 weeks. It was the best time I had in the past 2 years in the university. That's because I chose a humanity topic for the module. I was totally excited and glad to have had the chance to get to know more about humanity. I think it is such an important topic for persons like us, medical students and later on, medical doctors, or even pathologists who will be dealing with life and death in the future. If I were given a second chance to choose a Selective topic, without doubt, I will still opt for one related to humanity. After 3 weeks of that, I went to Batu Pahat hospital f...

Suffering. What is that all about? Throughout these past 2 weeks, I have been in search of my inner self through this selective course with the title Suffer Me to Know, i.e. simply Let me Know. What is suffering to me? Everyone suffers and without suffering, life is meaningless. Suffering makes us realize how good our lives are, when we have little to suffer. Several workshops and lectures were given but I feel that I am farther and farther away from my inner self. I have been in search of it, but along the way, I realize it has become stranger than it had been. Since moving back to Vista just 4 days back, and 1 day ago since Mum who accompanied me home went back to Ipoh, I have been conquered by a sense of loss and helplessness. I was reluctant to come back to reality. That is always the bad part of going home for more than over a weekend. I never knew I have such a weak heart, not till I came here to study, although just about 100 miles away from home. And now I am stil...

今天也是思考的日子。 虽然有点不认同钟子伟说“大学生涯里如果没有交过男女朋友，那么就不算上过大学” 这句话，可是骨子里还是有一点失落感。哈哈。我什么时候感受到真纯的爱呢？我想，我就是太不单纯了，所以到今天大三了，还是一个人。 今天想些什么呢？我想，过了接下来的3个月，我就正式从PHASE I毕业，到clinical school去了。到时候的课业会有多繁忙还是无法预计，但我只知道，我的大学生涯将已过去一半了！所以，在唯一的PHASE I后的3个月假期，我必须好好珍惜，完成一系列我很想做，却至今没机会完成的事项。 那天跟艾琳用完晚餐回家的路上，忽然有这么一个想法：我必须做一些疯狂的事情。 其实这想法是从钟子伟书里得到的启发。人生惟有一次能够真正做自己一直想要做的，却至今无法完成的事，而且这些事，如果这段时间没做，可能一辈子都不再有这样的时间，所以这些事情，没做可能后悔。而这段时间，应该就是我医学生涯里惟有的3个月假期吧。因此，从现在开始，我要好好收集想法，开始策划这3个月里，要做的“不做会后悔”的疯狂的事情！

这几天不用忙着读书、做assignment。突然间如此空闲，还有点不习惯。可是我一直提醒自己要珍惜这些时候。难得可以睡觉不需要调闹钟，然后可以随着心情去做想做的事情。即使这样，我的性格还是没让自己太空闲。我开始有了很多问号。对于10年后的自己，我还是有点茫然。这其中带来的恐慌，还是没有减少。 今天的晚餐时丰富的韩国餐。我跟艾琳点了好多食物，结果无法吃完必须打包回家。 这个晚餐成了我们之间一个很好的沟通平台。我们无话不谈。从小时候，大学到10年后的自己。我想，向朋友诉说了自己近来的一些“烦恼”后，还真减轻了不少“负担”。 原来大家都一样觉得前途茫茫。原来大家的梦想都随着时间和学习上所接触的事物而有所改变。这种改变有些人很容易地接受了。可是对于自己，因为不太善变，也不喜欢随意就改变想法，所以当很多年来建立起来的自己对于朝着目标前进的方向有所改变时，信心自然也受了很大的影响。 当我们说到以后的自己想不想要一个家庭时，我们都不约而同地在点头。只是，艾琳觉得这对她而言并不是必然的。可是对于自己，经过两年来无数次因为太多独处的时间，受尽了孤单带来的痛楚，我认为家庭将对我很重要。可是同样的问题因为有太多未知数，就算你每天问自己无数次，你终究得不到满意的答案。我问艾琳，如果我们想要一个家庭，又不想晚婚、晚育，那么我们还有多少时间让自己遇到另一半呢？ 这时，艾琳一直在隐隐发笑。然而，我坚持己见，觉得这是有必要考虑的问题。 我也问她，以后想攻什么专科。她耸了耸肩，只说了我们可以在当housemen的时候决定，并且说明这接下来的几年内可以发生任何事情，意味着，有很多改变可以发生，无论是梦想，还是想法，随着接触的事物和时间的催化，都有极大的可能会改变。 这时，我好想得到一片魔镜，或是小叮当的一个探测未来的发明仪器，让自己可以知道5年后的自己在做什么。假如我还是单身，那很大的可能性，我会成为一名手术医生。又或者我会专攻美容医科。我会在马来西亚的什么地方呢？又或者我身在美国、加拿大、澳洲？ 回到家，在把剩下的碗碟洗干净的时候，脑里突然有一个想法，觉得每个人的人生就像一部电影。在制作电影的过程中，最重要的环节就是策划，然后写剧本。策划组作的大部分，尤其剧本的发展方向将决定电影的品质。会不会成为得奖的作品，很多时候取决于策划组做的功课。而这里的问题是，一个人的人生，...

这两天一直在看钟子伟的书。《十八岁起，尼的格局不一样》原来我喜欢看这种书。书里的每一行文字都有让我深思的理由，让我不断在思考。从过去的高中三到2年前的大一，然后刚结束的大二，还有即将经历的大三，以后的大四、大五到我踏出社会的那一天……这里面的点点滴滴好像冥冥中自有安排。可是这本书读到才不到一半的时候，我已经很清楚，这些安排其实都掌握在自己手中。 钟子伟21岁时大三，就跟我现在一样。那个时候的他，已经在决定要到哈佛念商学院了。我喜欢他写书的形式。文字之间让人感同身受，而且让人反思自己的人生。作者是极聪明的人。凡事都有努力的理由，而且从来不做白费的事情。所以每一件事情都依计划行事，按部就班，小心翼翼，然后就成功了。书本的标题下面写着：想象十年后的自己，做出最聪明的选择。说实在的，这行字看了让人茫然。然后一整天下来我的思绪不知道如何定下来，总觉得前途一片迷惘。以前，我看到十年后的自己在一家医院奋斗着。可是过了两年，我却一直怀疑自己想要的未来是不是跟以前有点出入了。 今天已经星期五了。其实这整个礼拜，我好像丧失了时间观念。我总觉得自己心不在焉，就是被一种压迫感，参杂着恐慌的感觉围绕着思绪。第三年的一个星期过去了，我却还是无法找到方向。糟糕了。时间继续走着，尤其在你没有太在意的时候，它就悄悄溜走了。 钟子伟的人生让我觉得相比之下自己有点无能。可是我知道每个人的命运不一样，所以不可以这么做比较。但是我必须从中学习。有一点很重要，就是他如何规划自己的人生。原来，自己好多时候只在想，没去做。可能是害怕踏出第一步，又害怕踏出错误的一步。可是如果这些小小的阻拦可以坏了大事，然后从此改变了一个人的人生，那么是不是太荒谬了。我是亚洲人，并不太了解西方人跟自己的差距。现在提这些，是因为钟子伟从小在美国长大，在书里有提到一些西方人具有的好的素质。这些好的因素，我认为我有必要学起来。首先，西方人鼓励孩子们勇于踏出第一步。即使第一步错了也不退缩，走另一个第一步就好。反观自己，其实一直以为自己比一般人更勇于踏出第一步。然而现在仔细想想，生活里有太多想做的事情，却因为没认真地计划去做，而错过了机会。第二，亚洲人很着重谦虚的美德，可是很多时候因为这样，常常把自己的能力无意地隐藏起来了。而西方人的差别是，他们总喜欢武装自己，把自己的50分说成100分的能力。这个是我必定学会的东西。太...