Suffering Me to Know
Suffering.
What is that all about?
Throughout these past 2 weeks, I have been in search of my inner self through this selective course with the title Suffer Me to Know, i.e. simply Let me Know.
What is suffering to me?
Everyone suffers and without suffering, life is meaningless. Suffering makes us realize how good our lives are, when we have little to suffer.
Several workshops and lectures were given but I feel that I am farther and farther away from my inner self. I have been in search of it, but along the way, I realize it has become stranger than it had been.
Since moving back to Vista just 4 days back, and 1 day ago since Mum who accompanied me home went back to Ipoh, I have been conquered by a sense of loss and helplessness. I was reluctant to come back to reality. That is always the bad part of going home for more than over a weekend.
I never knew I have such a weak heart, not till I came here to study, although just about 100 miles away from home. And now I am still living with a weak heart with a weak mind that always has poor control over my emotions and feelings. Maybe I have granted myself to express whatever feelings I possess.
I attended an art workshop. A workshop that I always wanted to join. A workshop that allows me to express my innerself through art, although admittedly I have no capability to paint and draw better than most other people. I appreciate abstract art. I love fine arts indeed.
And within that 2 hours, I created myself a piece of artwork too.
It was said that it is authentic, as all ideas were from my own.
I realised I was angry at something. In fact, very fierce. I was upset and feeling unfair too. But there were colours of rainbow too. That should be what I was in search of, at least, at the moment. There were big black dots of spirals on top of it though. I was told that I should be careful of them. They did not resemble anything positive. I was feeling extreme in within my mind, at least that was what I had in my mind at that time.
I came home in the evening and burst out into tears. I did not know of any possible reason of doing so, not even an intention.
Maybe I was confused. I cried. And cried.
I was a strong girl. A girl so strong that would never drop a tear in front of people and perhaps, not even when I was by myself. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't that strong. Maybe, I was just hiding from myself.
Now when I allow myself to reveal my true self to my mind, I realize, I feel like crying a lot of the time.
Why?
Is it because I miss home?
I have nothing to be stressful for about my assignments.
Did I miss Mum? Or perhaps my bed?
Everything could be possible. But I just feel like tearing.
I was an artist for that merely 2 hours. But I feel like the sky was falling, when I tried to open my heart to myself. Have I been hiding from myself all these years? What should have happened and where would I be now, if I lived a different way?
I am so curious.
And I am so lonely now.
I wish I could cry and cry and cry. Till the moment I know the reason, I shall not be relieved.
What is that all about?
Throughout these past 2 weeks, I have been in search of my inner self through this selective course with the title Suffer Me to Know, i.e. simply Let me Know.
What is suffering to me?
Everyone suffers and without suffering, life is meaningless. Suffering makes us realize how good our lives are, when we have little to suffer.
Several workshops and lectures were given but I feel that I am farther and farther away from my inner self. I have been in search of it, but along the way, I realize it has become stranger than it had been.
Since moving back to Vista just 4 days back, and 1 day ago since Mum who accompanied me home went back to Ipoh, I have been conquered by a sense of loss and helplessness. I was reluctant to come back to reality. That is always the bad part of going home for more than over a weekend.
I never knew I have such a weak heart, not till I came here to study, although just about 100 miles away from home. And now I am still living with a weak heart with a weak mind that always has poor control over my emotions and feelings. Maybe I have granted myself to express whatever feelings I possess.
I attended an art workshop. A workshop that I always wanted to join. A workshop that allows me to express my innerself through art, although admittedly I have no capability to paint and draw better than most other people. I appreciate abstract art. I love fine arts indeed.
And within that 2 hours, I created myself a piece of artwork too.
It was said that it is authentic, as all ideas were from my own.
I realised I was angry at something. In fact, very fierce. I was upset and feeling unfair too. But there were colours of rainbow too. That should be what I was in search of, at least, at the moment. There were big black dots of spirals on top of it though. I was told that I should be careful of them. They did not resemble anything positive. I was feeling extreme in within my mind, at least that was what I had in my mind at that time.
I came home in the evening and burst out into tears. I did not know of any possible reason of doing so, not even an intention.
Maybe I was confused. I cried. And cried.
I was a strong girl. A girl so strong that would never drop a tear in front of people and perhaps, not even when I was by myself. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't that strong. Maybe, I was just hiding from myself.
Now when I allow myself to reveal my true self to my mind, I realize, I feel like crying a lot of the time.
Why?
Is it because I miss home?
I have nothing to be stressful for about my assignments.
Did I miss Mum? Or perhaps my bed?
Everything could be possible. But I just feel like tearing.
I was an artist for that merely 2 hours. But I feel like the sky was falling, when I tried to open my heart to myself. Have I been hiding from myself all these years? What should have happened and where would I be now, if I lived a different way?
I am so curious.
And I am so lonely now.
I wish I could cry and cry and cry. Till the moment I know the reason, I shall not be relieved.
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