27.06.2023

I am feeling rather depressed today, yesterday and the day before. 

Perhaps I was happy before that. 

I just had my notes printed. But it is laying on the table.

The boat is sinking and I do not know where it is going. 

My friends are leaving for the better yet I am left here, alone, sitting in the same cubicle. 

Right now while I am typing, the time on my phone shows 11.45am. What am I even doing in my cubicle at this hour? I am wasting time. I am trying but probably not hard enough to fill up the multiple time gaps in my life. Other people are looking at their phone, having their breakfast or taking a nap. I shouldn't care because I am not the same. But why do I feel that I am mirroring? I enjoy being busy because it could mean I am doing something productive. I am not used to being idle and I will never feel comfortable being vacant. 

Driving home from work yesterday was the time I spent to think about my boat. There is no bad current yet the boat is not going anywhere. Because there is no wind. I need wind. I need stronger winds. 

I had an enjoyable weekend with WY - a weekend/a break that I felt I deserved after working hard for a recent paper. But immediately after, I felt guilt. I should not feel guilty. Core belief? I am sure there is something to do with this. What had been planted on my mind? I have to map my tree from its roots, trunk, branches and leaves. I have so many things to settle. Yet I feel so demotivated. Once someone gave me an account of 'you look so apathetic'. I told my colleague, I did not care but words like these tend to stick on my mind and it kept crawling back up, and served like a reminder, asking me to relook on myself and eventually I start to believe I perhaps did look apathetic. 

I feel tired - this tiredness came from nowhere. I had a good 7 hours sleep yet I feel tired. My memory deteriorated. I even created a piece of memory - I asked my husband for the photos we went for a hike in Penang National Park. I was told we never made it happen. I was told I confabulated. I was terrified and puzzled. Am I not using my brain adequately so false memories kept forming? At that split of second, I had a list of 'what-ifs' thoughts - what if I could not remember who I am one day. 

Maybe I needed Ritalin. Or rather, Brintellex. To cure my apathy. This place is too idle, and I was trained to work well under a well structured program which would make sure I get busy,  so I 'might learn more'. Right now I am just sitting here. Reading a few lines on the paper, feeling like a demented person. 

I lived a better life 10 years back down the memory lane. I am not even sure now, if I remember it correctly. I think I loved my life more back then as everything seemed on track. I was always busy at something. I should though, be busy right now. But I am not. 

Maybe it is time to live like an adult, by not running away from business. and Not avoiding conflicts. Start getting busy at my own pace. Find inspirations, be proactive, etc. things that I already know I should be doing but I in fact am not working on.