Breathing through N95

 I am a lucky girl. A lucky human being. And I continue to be lucky for at least the past 1 year and 1 month. We are still in the pandemic, after one year and a half. And I am glad I am still serving people, and for that I need to be healthy. This pandemic has changed a lot of things. And a lot of things were kept unchanged too. It is truly a new norm, a norm that no one would want to admit and adopt. I still consciously need to remind myself that we are no longer in a pre-pandemic era. And that when people around still continue to get infected by the virus, we remain in this new era. I have to adopt new lifestyle instead of sitting there waiting for it to come to an end because no one knows how long this will persist. And I surely do not want time to pass and be gone before I realise I have wasted them too much. 

It is disastrous. Human nature does not conform to uniformity and monotony. People merely do not have the ability to stay still and carry on with a routine when there is no foreseeable future. After 1 year and a half, most people still have a hard time to conform to SOP. Because this pandemic has taken away hopes and dreams from people. People survive with hope, i.e. a hopeless person dies soon because he or she will not have the intention to live. 

I have been suppressing my thoughts and emotions. Well as I said I am one of the lucky ones because I still can work. And I still do what I chose to do. But still it has come to a point that perhaps my subconscious self has started to retrieve. Because it no longer can predict the near future. I am just hanging on with lies I tell myself, that I have to hang on. That it will come to an end. Well it will not, not until everyone is too exhausted to complain and subsequently gives up. 

I am a little emotional these days. I merely miss breathing air not through a mask. I merely miss going out of the house freely. I live in a country which progresses by going backwards. It is difficult to move forward when the entire system is moving backwards. I am emotionally disturbed. And I might have coped, subconsciously, by sleeping more and to do that I felt more tired, in an attempt to convince myself that I sleep more, because I am tired.

I am still a lucky girl. I have a job, a family and a sweet boyfriend. There is nothing much I should be asking for. I just wish that things become better, and that I can see the world again, in a better view, better mood.