The Pacinian corpuscle

‘没回家吗？’ ‘没有countdown吗？’ ‘欸，等下去哪里庆祝？’ 哦，原来是12月31日。大家都有节目呢。这一次，是因为我把人家‘快乐的事’放大而让自己显得‘悲剧’，还是确确实实大家都在为此庆祝呢？我本来就没怎么庆祝倒数。微微记得，上一次倒数应该是4年前？还是5年前吧？不知道为什么我们的考试时期总是要在换新年的时候。我只记得12月31日的11：59分，烟花释放吵吵闹闹，我的心却只有更烦躁。 在学校我鲜少有投契的人。偶尔遇到三两人，也许没有谈笑风生也不会无所不谈，却有能够抵触心灵的时刻。或许短暂，却有意义。因为鲜有，所以特珍惜。 我学着众人问说：“今天有没有倒数？” 投契者会说：“数个屁啊。” 我顿时心花怒放，嘴角上扬，想着是不是终于遇到鲜有的投契的人了。 12月31日，曾几何时是让人充满憧憬的日子。曾经多么多么地期待这一天的到来，因为这意味着新的开始，会有新的new year’s resolution。所以本来让人懊恼的气馁的愤怒的一切一切我们可以先搁置一旁，因为有了‘新的目标’所以有了新的希望。这些想法使可悲的人感到安慰。可是对于每天都感到懊恼的人，因为必须活下去，所以到了每个新的一天开始之前都会出现新的希望（虽然可能无足挂齿），这些‘新的一年，新的希望’的种种想法已无法制造更多的假象来欺骗懵懂的心智了。所以说，什么12月31日，数个屁啊。

终于，我还是爆发了，像一颗时间到了的定时炸弹一样。只是，这一次爆发的对象是曾经我没有用心对待的朋友。对此我极度感到羞愧。过去的数个星期以来，我一直以为自己已经到了谷底，可是种种事情的发生却令人觉得更糟的事还未发生。对于我抑郁的情况，因为一开始便是我非常在意的事情，所以打从感到压力到目前，我的情绪没有太大起伏。这里有2个可能性：1是我本来已经抑郁，可是因为知道接下来的日子会充满负面的情绪所以一开始便在做心理准备，于是我一直认为足够的心理准备可以抵得住负面能量的侵袭。2是因为自己本来就不太坚强，然后又实力不到位，负面压力侵袭而来自然而然抵不住所以崩溃。可是这里有个蹊跷的现象：我的心情一向没有太大起伏。或许是因为自己一直在抑制自己，又或是因为我已经对考试压力免疫了，所以并没有发现事态的严重性。 我还是一如往常地起床，看病人，上课，练习，下课，晚餐，温书，睡觉。只是唯一不同的地方是这一切似乎已变成一种习惯的动作。我少了活着的感觉，偶尔不知道自己在干什么，为什么在干这些事情，然后干了这些事情带来的效果又是什么。我行尸走肉，活着好像没有活着一样。我再也不知道自己读书是为了什么。这里其中最大的因素是因为我的信心受挫的程度已到了谷底。从一开始本来信心就是没多少，然后用自己认为对的方式读书，学习，生活。可是因为学习效果跟自己想象的有太大的出入，也越来越让人令人不满。我开始觉得自己很笨，一面学习新的东西，旧的东西我却也一面忘记。我质疑自己一路来做的东西有多少成是对的。后来因为这些情绪每天在发生，所以本能的反应便是对之麻木，免疫，然后最后忘了原来问题还是一只存在。 好多事情还要抒发。在等待下一次的爆发呢。

I went to a talk given by a GP on mindfulness. I've come to know about it 3 years back when I was still in Bukit Jalil. Back then, it was held as a weekly session rather than a seminar-like talk. There was only practices--mindfulness practices. And I liked the concept a lot. We live in an environment of distractions. 24/7, even when we are sleeping, our minds become more active when we are in deep sleep. We often become lost in focus and tired when our conscious mind is not strong enough to abstain from distractions. Everything go downhill when we can't focus and do well. The vicious cycle begins.  Unfortunately, the talk was held after lunch, and in between classes. So we did not have ample time for the practical session. I can't be less sure that stress has caused so much of side effects to my daily life. I couldn't focus. I couldn't do my readings. I was/am lost. It was post prandial tide during the talk, I couldn't help but doze off a couple of times....

It's come to the time when I sit quietly with myself, and begin to ponder, look back at things that have happened and anticipate. Now I am feeling so strong that I am losing something constantly. Things that I used to be good at, things that I used to be so confident with. Simple things like being able to have control over my life, being able to mix with anyone and talk and chat and do whatever I like, and follow my heart and my feelings and even as little as writing. I realized I can't do it well anymore. I am losing a lot in life.  I become so much more conscious about the people around me. The good ones and especially the not so good ones. I have started to blame and argue, about the people that I don't like so much and things that I don't quite like to see... but most of the time nothing changes and I only become worse. I am in the final year now. But instead of earning more things in life by studying and learning to become a doctor, I feel that I am losing more ...